Hey Cody, here with Better Marriage, and today I want to talk to you about the short-term and long-term effectiveness of marriage counseling. Now, I speak to couples all the time who say, “We went to counseling, we went through therapy, and it was great for a while, but the results just didn’t stick.” This is something I hear all the time, and there’s a very specific reason for that.
So, the short-term effectiveness of marriage counseling is very high, and the reason for that is because when a couple comes into counseling, they’re in a lot of pain and they’re willing to take action. But the problem is, as they take action, the marriage gets better and the pain starts to go away, until they get to the point where the pain is not there anymore, and they stop doing the work that managed to get the pain to go away. They get to a point of comfort, and over a period of time, it just goes back to how it was before. So, the short-term effectiveness generally is very, very good.
The long-term effectiveness and the biggest complaint is that the results didn’t stick. The long-term effectiveness of marriage counseling isn’t very good, and generally speaking, with a traditional approach, that is absolutely true. And that’s where marriage coaching really comes in and really makes a big difference to the long-term effectiveness and the long-term success of counseling.
Now, it’s like going on a diet or trying to lose some weight, something like that, right? If you just diet for one month or if you just exercise for one month, then you’re going to get some benefit in that month. But the long-term effects are not going to be there. In six months, you’re going to be back to exactly where you were before. The way you get the results with exercise and diet and stuff like that is you’ve got to keep doing it over and over again, over an extended period of time. If you stop, the results go away.
Exactly the same is true with your marriage. To develop the skills that you need to have a successful marriage and just to implement them for a short period of time isn’t going to be successful.
You need to do them over a long period of time. And just as a coach helps you to lose weight, just as a coach helps you to exercise by three or four times a week, saying, “Have you done it? Have you done it? Here’s what you need to do. Here’s where you’re going wrong. Here’s where you need to pick it up. Here’s where you’re doing really well,” a marriage coach is exactly the same.
We can give you the skills that you need to transform your marriage in a couple of sessions, no problem at all. And that’s what happens with therapy and counseling in general. You have three or four sessions, things improve, and then you stop. But the problem is, it’s just not enough.
It’s like going to a gym three or four times or dieting for three or four days or three or four weeks and then expecting the results to stick. Now, the way I like to think about this and a really good way to understand this is it’s like brushing your teeth, right? When you were a kid, or if you’re a parent…
You have to nag your kids all the time to brush their teeth. Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. But there comes a point where you probably can’t not brush your teeth, right? As an adult, I can’t not brush my teeth. My mind would not let me. And that is because a coach, my parent in this case, coached me over and over again until it became a habit that I couldn’t ignore.
The same is true with your marriage. You need to be coached repeatedly. It’s the simple things done repeatedly and done well that will really make a difference. The reason short-term effectiveness is great is because couples are in pain and willing to take action.
However, as the pain diminishes, they may not be willing to take that action anymore or they may simply forget. A coach can serve as a reminder.
By meeting with a coach regularly, it serves as a reminder to do the simple things. Have you done this? Have you said that? If you consistently do these things, the results become long-term.
If you continue doing them long enough, they become ingrained as habits. Once you develop the habits of a successful marriage and they become a part of who you are, you can’t not have a successful marriage.
Right now, if you’re watching this, you probably have bad marriage habits, and you’re likely to fall back into those habits regardless. You can change them for a short period of time, but it’s not just about acquiring new information; it’s about developing new habits. That’s where a coach comes in.
A coach provides the right techniques, the right strategies, and ensures that you implement them over an extended period until they become habitual. The result is a long-term change that sticks with you forever.
Have the results been long-term or short-term for you .
