So, your wife’s a narcissist. What do you do?
Hey, Cody Battle here, marriage coach and founder of Better Marriage. Today, I want to discuss what to do if you believe your wife is a narcissist. I have worked with many men who have made the statement, “My wife is a narcissist,” or “The problem in my marriage is that my wife is narcissistic. What do I do about it?” My answer may not please everyone, but it is truthful. The mirror never lies. You reflect back to yourself what you put out. If you are receiving narcissistic behavior from your wife, there are a couple of things I must say. First, what qualifies you to diagnose her as a narcissist? Second, even if it were true, is it helpful?
When men come to me with this issue, I ask them, “If your wife could hear the way you talk about her in your mind or the discussions you have or what you say to me right now, how would that impact your relationship? What would she think about you and what you’re saying?” The answer is always that it would make the marriage worse. Labeling your wife as a narcissist and telling her that she’s engaged in narcissistic behavior is not helpful and does not heal the relationship.
Many of the men I work with say their marriage is failing, and their wife is separating and distancing herself from the marriage. They want to get their wife back, but labeling her as a narcissist is not the answer. It only pushes her further away. The language we use to describe our wife, ourselves, and our situation is crucial in determining how we react and interact with the situation. If you consistently tell yourself that your wife is a narcissist, it creates negative emotions that lead to negative actions and results.
I have worked with couples where the man accused his wife of being narcissistic, and that diagnosis could not be further from the truth. Often, we label behavior that we don’t agree with as narcissistic. We demand that our rules are followed, and when they are not, we label the person as narcissistic. The Bible says, “You accuse my brother because you are guilty.” So my question is always, “Why?” and my first observation is always, “Who is labeling their wife a narcissist?”
However, creating these labels is not helpful to the relationship in any way. Therefore, step number one, if you believe that your wife is a narcissist and you want to change that, is to change the language you use in your mind. She is not a narcissist; she is simply living her life the best way she knows how, just as you are. She is trying to meet her needs, follow her moral system, and do what is necessary to get through each day, just as you are. When her actions do not align with your standards, they are labeled as narcissistic behavior. Conversely, when you exhibit similar behavior, it is not labeled. Instead, you are simply doing your best, following your moral compass and making your way in the world.
This may not be a popular message, and some may give me a thumbs-down, but this is the reality of counseling and therapy. Couples often come in with one partner labeling the other, and these labels are often inaccurate. They want me to agree with the label or provide one of my own. However, the choice is yours; you can be married or right. If you label your wife a narcissist, regardless of whether she is clinically diagnosed or not, and you want to save your marriage, the best thing you can do is to focus on yourself. Lead her out of her narcissism by working on your own shortcomings, and show her that the way out is to become a better version of yourself. Do not place demands or expectations on her. When you do so, you are exhibiting narcissistic behavior. To be free of narcissism, we must free ourselves of that word. We must acknowledge that we all have a tendency to be narcissistic, and to accuse others of it is simply deflecting from the truth that we have those tendencies within ourselves.
The solution is to become self-aware and to work on ourselves. We must recognize that our own behavior is often the problem and is causing issues in the relationship. We must lead by example, not by claiming authority or being dominant. Show them a better way, lead them to a better place, and do so without demanding that they follow. When we see our own behavior as the problem, we can start to work on it. If you believe that your wife has narcissistic tendencies, the solution is to become self-aware and work on yourself, which is precisely what we do in the ‘Win Your Wife Back’ program. Check the details in the description if you’re interested, and if not, don’t worry about it.
