“Because when we’re saying and when the emotional levels are very low, we can have these conversations with our partners very easily. To say, ‘Hey, you don’t like fighting, and I don’t like fighting. Can we come up with an agreement to where we can avoid these fights?’ That’s the first thing. You’ve got to have a set plan to separate and recognize when the emotional levels are getting too high, and you’re not going to be able to have a rational conversation. It’s going to end in a fight.
Now, the second thing that you need is a very structured way to have these conversations. I think we would all agree that if you’re having conversations, and they’re turning into arguments over and over again, as they do, then our structure for conversation, our strategy for conversation, is not a good one. It’s not working. It’s broken.
So we need to replace that with a structure that works. We need a way to talk to each other and communicate that works. Just two people coming together and going at a disagreement is never going to work out well unless there’s a very structured way to have that conversation. And this is basically communication skills.
Now, if you want better communication skills and structures to have these conversations in ways that don’t result in fights and conflicts, I’ve got a free workshop in the description. There’s a link in the description on how to communicate better with your partner, how to fight less, and how to do this all in a very structured way. I go into a lot more detail in that workshop than and it’s absolutely 100% free.
So, the second thing is you’ve got to have these structures in place to where, when you have a conversation, there are rules, there are structures, there are set plans, and that is going to give you a lot of security. That is going to give you a lot of safety going into debates and disagreements with your partners. It’s going to allow you to resolve the conflicts in a very healthy way.
Now, the third step that I want to share with you is going to help you have fights with your partner in a much healthier way. It is to recognize the intention of the other person.”
Now, when I’m coaching with couples, I always ask them the question, “Hey, do you ever wake up in the morning and think, ‘I just want to hurt this other person’? Do you ever just wake up in the morning and want to hurt this person?” And, of course, the answer is inevitably no. Of course not.
Then I ask the question, “Do you think your partner wakes up and wants to hurt you in the morning?” And the answer is no as well. So, it’s very simple at that point. I’m like, “Can we all agree that nobody wants to hurt each other here? Nobody wants to fight here. And nobody wakes up in the morning going, ‘I’m going to have a fight with my partner and upset them and hurt them.’ Nobody does that.”
So, if that’s the case, then all arguments are simply a case of miscommunication and misunderstanding. And if we can come to that agreement, where when it’s starting to get conflictual, when we’re starting to get that conflict and we’re butting heads, if we can just keep in mind, and we need to do this right before those emotional levels get very high, which is why we need a set play to separate as step number one. If we can do that, then when we’re starting to butt heads, we can go, “This person is not trying to upset me. This person is not trying to cause a fight. We’re just having some issues with communication right now. We’re just miscommunicating with each other, and we’re just misunderstanding each other.”
And again, the solution to that is going to be to get the communication skills and to have a structured format for having that conversation. When you start to get that conflict, when you start to butt heads, you’ve got to recognize it, you’ve got to call it out, and you’ve got to go to a set play to make that work.
So, that’s it from me. Bless you all, and we’ll talk to you very soon.
