So, how do you go about creating emotional safety and security in a relationship?
Hey, Cody Butler here, marriage coaching consultant and founder of Better Marriage. I want to talk about how to create emotional safety and security in a relationship, but first, let’s talk about why it’s important. Why would you want to do that?
The reason emotional safety and security are so important is that in order for you to reconcile with your partner, there has to be an open pathway to communication between you. If that communication pathway is broken down, then there can be no communication or very stressful communication. And there will be no restoration, healing, or reconciliation. We need to make sure that the pathway is open, and the way we do that is your partner has to feel completely and utterly safe to tell you what the problems in the relationship are without you blowing up, getting defensive, attacking, or justifying your behavior.
This is really key. If every time your partner tries to talk to you and tries to explain or open you up to the possibilities of what the complaints within the relationship are, it meets with hostility, anger, frustration, conflict, or any kind of negative emotion, eventually, they will shut down. They will start stonewalling, and the relationship will be in real trouble at that point. If you are experiencing stonewalling in your relationship right now, it’s time to do something about it because you are very close to divorce, my friend. If a partner is stonewalling, shutting down, and not communicating, saying they don’t want to try, they’re not willing to talk, the end is very, very close. But it is definitely possible to turn it around at this point, but you’re going to have to take action quickly. The first action you’ll have to take is to re-establish emotional safety and security.
One of the big problems I experience when talking about this with men in our Win Your Wife Back program is that they say, “I’ve already done that. I’ve already established emotional safety and security, yet she is still not communicating with me.” Let me tell you something, my friend, if she’s not talking to you, if she’s not communicating, if she’s refusing, it’s because there is no emotional safety and security. And if you’re going to remain in the position of “I’ve established it,” then you’re not going to make any progress. You have to take action to re-establish it.
She’s still not talking, then there’s really not going to be much myself or anybody else can do for you at this point. The only reason a woman is not going to communicate is she does not feel safe, or she feels it is completely and utterly pointless. There is absolutely no point whatsoever to her communicating anymore, which again is going to fall into the category of emotional safety and security.
If she’s tried to explain to you a hundred times, a thousand times what the problems are within the relationship, and it’s met with hostility or defensiveness or some kind of frustrating response, or it just hasn’t met with any response at all, maybe you’ve stonewalled her, or maybe you’ve just not taken on board or understood what she said, and she’s seen no change in the relationship, then eventually, she’s going to get to the point where she’s like, “This is just pointless.”
It’s pointless. I’ve told you a hundred times. I’ve told you a thousand times what the problem is, and there’s never any change. I’m done with this. I cannot continue to keep telling you what the problem is and get no response. And a lot of times, people mistake this. When a woman says, “I no longer want to try. I no longer want to work on this relationship,” it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t value the relationship anymore. It doesn’t mean that she wants out of the relationship. It means that in her intellect, in her intelligence, she has deemed that this is pointless. It doesn’t matter how badly she wants this relationship to work. She has tried so many times in her mind, and it’s met with a completely pointless, completely negative response that she’s just not– she just cannot see the value or the point of trying anymore.
And this is why when a woman says, “I want out of this relationship. I’m not even interested in trying,” it doesn’t mean that she wants out of the relationship, or it does not mean that the relationship is not reconcilable. It is reconcilable. It can be restored. There can be rejuvenation, regeneration, healing in the relationship, even though she’s saying she wants out or even though she’s moved out, because again, with a lack of emotional safety and security, the next thing that’s going to lead to is emotional exhaustion.
She’s going to become emotionally exhausted because she is carrying a weight on her shoulders that is too heavy. A way a woman relieves the weight, a way a woman relieves the burden of day-to-day life and the burdens of the relationship is through communication. It’s through talking. And if that emotional safety is not there, she is not relieving those burdens, and it’s getting heavier and heavier, and she is coming to the point or has reached the point of emotional and physical exhaustion.
Again, don’t mistake when a woman says, “I can’t do this anymore. I have no interest in continuing in this relationship.” What she is very possibly saying is that she is physically and emotionally exhausted, and she does not have the strength to continue. It’s not that she doesn’t want to continue, but rather, her burden needs to be lightened. Do you, my brother, have the strength, power, and ability to take that burden from her?
That is what we talk about in the “When Your Wife Back” program for men. We share with men how to lift that load and lighten the burden so her exhaustion starts to lift. We teach emotional safety and security mechanisms to implement so that once she starts to regain that energy, she has the fuel to re-engage in the relationship. If we can inject hope back into the relationship, and she can see that her efforts are not in vain and that her problems will not fall on deaf ears, then we start to see change. This injects hope into the relationship, and we start to see restoration. The seed of restoration starts to spring into a bird, a flower, and hope comes back. Now we have a pathway back into the restoration and healing of the marriage.
So, keep in mind, brother, there is always hope for your marriage. It does not matter what she’s telling you right now or what she’s saying. What she’s saying and what she’s meaning are two different things. By re-establishing emotional safety and security, giving her a forum to unburden herself and lighten the load, her exhaustion will start to lift, and she will have the energy to come back into the relationship. Things will slowly but surely start to improve as long as you follow the path, stay on the path, and don’t revert back to your old ways.
If you’d like to learn more about how we can help you bring about restoration and reconciliation in eight weeks or less, there’s a link in the description about the “When Your Wife Back” program. It’s completely free to check out, and you don’t even have to give your email to get the information. There’s a page with all the details on it, so have a look and see how it can help you.
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