I wanted to ask someone to share their story with our audience and explain how they found themselves in the work of a marriage ministry and what it means to them. So, I’ll give you the short version because there is definitely a long version. In my 20s, I went through a series of failed relationships that followed a pattern. It left me in a poor position, feeling depressed and dealing with psychological issues. I became tired of the cycle of broken relationships and decided to educate myself to understand the common denominator in all of them, which turned out to be me.
I realized that the power to change was within myself, rather than blaming others. I took responsibility for the problem and started seeking solutions. I read books, attended seminars, and sought all the education I could get.
A few years later, I met my fiancee, who is now my wife. When we started dating, the problems that existed in my previous relationships seemed to disappear. However, a new challenge arose as she was from Australia and I was from England, which is why I am currently in Australia.
This presented a visa issue as our visas expired and immigration laws came into play. Despite the obstacles, we were determined to be together and decided to get married. She had to return to Australia and apply for a marriage visa to come back to England.
Unfortunately, we faced two denials for the marriage visa. It was surprising to realize that the government had the authority to determine who you can marry. We endured a year of separation, which was extremely challenging. During that time, I resorted to my old habit of excessive alcohol use as a poor way of coping.
It was a stressful period, uncertain of when we would be reunited. We also faced financial difficulties as the immigration process was costly, requiring four or five thousand dollars for each application.
We were denied, so we had to appeal, which cost another two or three thousand dollars. They denied it again, and we had to reapply, spending literally tens of thousands of dollars that we really didn’t have. We never knew when we would be back together again, so I started drinking heavily. Long story short, we got back together and got married, but her family wasn’t very supportive of the wedding.
My financial situation wasn’t great, and I didn’t fit the mold of the standard upper-middle-class boy they were looking for. This caused some friction, and she had some indoctrination from her family. When we finally reunited and got married quickly, there were immediate issues. My drinking started to affect my personality and behavior within the marriage, and the conflicts arising from her family’s influence were causing problems. From the very beginning, things were difficult and only worsened over time. Eventually, I agreed to seek help to buy some time, so I started seeing a counselor. However, I treated it like a joke and didn’t take it seriously.
After a year with no progress, she insisted that we solve this problem, and I agreed to see another mentor. I expected him to reassure me and say it wasn’t my fault, but in the first session, he bluntly told me that my situation was hopeless. It caught me off guard and interrupted my pattern of thinking. I tried to deny it, but he emphasized that in the natural world, there was no hope for me or my marriage.
And I was like, “Whoa, I never actually realized what he did there. He gave me the gift of losing her. Yes, absolutely. That was the first time that I was actually faced with the consequences of what was going on in that relationship.
And he gave me the gift of losing her. And that’s what I really want. Like, whenever I see couples that are struggling now, it’s like that’s the gift that I want to give them. I want to give them the gift of losing each other without losing each other because that’s leverage, right? That’s like, “Okay, well, this is the part that I was traveling down.
This was the consequence.” And that was the first time that I’d ever seen this is the outcome of my behavior. And I was like, “That is it. I know what the problem is. The problem is my drinking and now some additional drug use on top of that, which is very serious. We’re not talking marijuana and stuff like that. We’re talking some pretty serious, some pretty nasty stuff.
And I just didn’t want to give all that stuff up before. I wanted to have my marriage and have that stuff, right?” And I got to the session where I lost her. I’m like, “Okay, well, I’m gonna have to choose. I’m gonna have to choose. Wow, drugs and alcohol? I’m gonna have to choose my wife. I can’t have both.” And I told him, I said, “It’s not hopeless because I’m about to be honest with you for the first time ever.
And I said that I’ll tell you why it’s not hopeless because I’m about to tell you the truth. And you’re the first person that I’m ever going to tell the truth to. I’m engaging in these behaviors, and I’m stuck in these behaviors, and I need help.” And the great thing is, for darkness to thrive, it needs to be absent of light.
Darkness cannot survive when light is shining on it. The second that you turn the light on in a dark room, the darkness does not stand a chance. Light defeats dark 100 times out of 100.
So, the real key, the real takeaway for me, and that was like, you have to shine light into the darkness. And for that to happen, you have to be open and you have to understand.
So, I think a lot of people understand what the problems are within their marriage. They’re just not willing to deal with those. They’re not willing to shine light onto that because they want to keep their habits.
They want to keep their addictions. They want to keep their bad behaviors. And that was the revelation for me. You’ve got to shine light into the dark. You’ve got to be honest. And you’ve got it. You’ve got to really come face to face with the consequence of what’s going to happen if you don’t make these changes. And that was the day it all turned around.
