My partner doesn’t love me anymore, so here are three steps you can take to change that situation. Hey, Cody Butler here, marriage coach and founder of Better Marriage. Today, I want to talk to you. But before we dive into that, make sure you stay until the end of this video because I’m going to tell you how you can get a free copy of our workshop: How to End the Fighting Immediately, How to Restore the Communication, and How to Bring Back the Intimacy and Sex into Your Marriage Immediately. In that workshop, you will find out exactly what’s causing the problems in your marriage, and you will have the solutions to fix them immediately. So stay until the end, and I’ll tell you exactly where you can find that workshop.
Your partner doesn’t love you anymore? What can you do to change that? Here are three steps:
The first step is to ask yourself what changed. The reason situations change is that people change. If people are falling out of love, it’s because the situation has changed or the person has changed. Now, what happens a lot of times is when we fall in love with somebody, we fall in love with them in an environment, and we fall in love with a set of behaviors. So maybe we’re in college, and you’re behaving a certain way in college, and then you graduate, get a job, and have a family, and those behaviors change and change and change until 20 years from that point, 10 years from that point, you’re a completely different person behaving in a completely different way. You are no longer the person that your spouse fell in love with. The thing that’s really important to understand is that people are attracted to behavior, not the person individually. If they say they’re not in love with you anymore, if they say they love you but they’re not in love with you.
If they’re saying that they just don’t love you anymore, what they’re really saying is that they don’t love the behavior or situation that you bring into the relationship anymore. Something has changed, so when people fall out of love, it’s because the situation has changed. The first thing to do is to identify what you were doing when you fell in love and try to get back to that in some shape, form, or fashion.
A real-world example of this is my wife and me. When we met, we were professional musicians and played music together every night. However, after we got married and had kids, we couldn’t rely solely on music to pay the bills. Slowly but surely, music started to leave our relationship. We weren’t playing out or gigging anymore, and we stopped playing music together. Before we knew it, we had completely lost the common ground that we came together on, and the things that we were doing when we fell in love had completely vanished.
Is it possible to go back to that situation and be professional musicians, working every night, traveling all over the country and world? Absolutely not. We can’t. We have a family and kids now. However, we can bring elements of our previous relationship into our current one. We can play music together once or twice a month at an open mic, get involved in the music team at our church and play music every Sunday together, set aside some time to write music together, or put a piano or electric keyboard in our living room and have that experience. These are all little things that will reignite those emotions and keep the relationship alive.
It’s dangerous to let what you were doing when you came together completely vanish out of the relationship because the emotions will vanish with them. Step number one is to identify what you were doing and who you were when you met and bring some of those elements back into the relationship.
Step number two is to ask yourself the question, “Who would I have to be for my partner to love me again?”
This is an excellent question. The key to a better life and marriage is to ask better questions. Instead of asking why your partner doesn’t love you anymore, which is a pointless question that doesn’t help you, ask yourself who you would have to become for your partner to love you again. When you ask that question and start coming up with answers, it empowers you to take action and make a solution that doesn’t involve changing the other person. Often, when our partner falls out of love with us, we try to work on them or change them, instead of looking at ourselves.
Who would I need to be, and what would I need to do, for my partner to love me again? And how would that work? What can I do to take those steps?” This is a common question I receive from private clients in our marriage recovery program, especially when one partner is not willing to participate. The answer is yes, it can still work. You have the ability to identify who you need to be and what you need to do for your partner to love you again, and then become that person. We have the ability to influence others’ behaviors and emotions by the way we behave towards them. People are attracted to behaviors, not physical appearances. If we are kind and generous, others will be attracted to us. The same person can elicit two completely different responses from someone, depending on their behavior towards them.
It’s essential to understand the environment in which love shows up, and then create the behavior that creates that environment. In our marriage recovery program, we help clients identify the environment and create the behavior that produces the desired results. Even if your partner is not willing to participate, there is still hope for your marriage. You can work on your behavior, identify who you need to be for them to love you again, identify the environment that would have to be present for love to return, and then create that environment.
The final step is to become lovable. Ask yourself the difficult questions: Am I lovable? Am I easy to love?
Am I easy to work with? Am I easy to be around? Am I easy to be in a relationship with? If the answer is no, then you have a platform to take action. We must bring truth and honesty to our answers and take the necessary steps to become lovable and create an environment in which love can flourish. It doesn’t always involve the other person; we can work on ourselves to bring about change within ourselves.
When one partner has fallen out of love, it’s easy to blame the other person. But it’s important to ask ourselves if we are doing something that makes us unlovable. It’s difficult to admit that we’re not behaving in a lovable way, but it’s essential to take action to change our behavior. We can make ourselves lovable and create an environment in which love can flourish.
It simply doesn’t involve the other person at all” – A lot of times when I work with couples in this situation, where one person has fallen out of love, they’ll say, “I just can’t be with you anymore. I love you to death, and I always love you, but I just can’t be with you anymore.” What they’re saying is that your behavior is unacceptable, the environment is too harsh for them to be in, and they can’t continue in the relationship. It’s about understanding the environment and becoming a person that exhibits loving behavior, taking responsibility, and becoming the person that you need to be in a loving relationship. You need to create that environment.
Now, if you want some more help on this for free, completely free, we have our Marriage Recovery Program. Of course, that’s our paid program, but we’ve got free trainings as well. We can show you how to end the fighting immediately, how to improve communication, and how to bring back the sex and intimacy into the relationship. You will know exactly what’s going on in your relationship, why it’s going wrong, and how to fix it by the end of that training class, and it’s completely free. Check out the link in the description, and also, check out the pinned comment below. We’ve got some great free resources, some bonus content for you there to really help you with your marriage, your relationship, and how to make it thrive and transform into something that’s really special.
Now, leave a comment below and let me know your ideas on how you can bring somebody back who says they don’t love you anymore. If you like this content, please subscribe to the channel, give us a like, and consider sharing this content on social media. It really helps us get the word out and really helps people who need access to this content right now because they’re in pain and struggling. It does a good thing for the world in general. So, that’s it for me. God bless you. Thank you.
