Absolutely, I mean, when you have an event that’s so destructive in the past, it’s like, why do you keep bringing it into the present? It’s in the past, can we not? Can we not let the dead bury their own dead? It’s like it’s not necessary.
Now, that’s not to say that talking about the past isn’t important. There are obviously issues that have to be discussed, but they only have to be discussed once.
It’s like, we’re going to have this discussion, and a lot of times, I’ll ask couples as well, when we’re talking about issues, I’m like, when was the last time he was able to actually have a complete thought without your partner jumping in and interrupting? And to the other partner, I’m like, what’s going on in your head.
Are you listening to your partner to try and understand what they’re saying, or are you listening to your partner to build your defense, to build your case? And are you just waiting for your opportunity to present your case? Because case-building is absolutely devastating to a relationship.
If you change how you listen, if you just do the simple act of changing how you listen, from “I’m listening to try and understand how my partner understands” to “I’m listening to build my case and to rebut you and to defend myself,” it’s like all she wants to do is express her feelings, all he wants to do is express his feelings. Let them do it, and it will go away. The feeling will go away.
