Hey, I’m about to share with you a very powerful hack. If your partner is telling you that they want something, but they don’t know why, maybe they want space and don’t know why, they’re telling you that they love you, but they’re not in love with you and they don’t know why, or they want a divorce, and they don’t know why they just want it, then I’m here to tell you that they do know why. I’m going to share with you why they tell you that and how to turn that around. Because unless you get this little hack, you won’t be able to save your relationship.
When somebody tells you that they want a divorce, but they don’t know why, what they’re really telling you is that they’re not comfortable sharing with you the reason why. I talked to someone the other day, and they said their wife, after 25 years, just turned around and said she doesn’t want to be married anymore, and she doesn’t know why. The truth is, she knows exactly why, but she’s just not telling you.
So, the question is, does she really not know why she wants to leave after 25 years? Has she really not thought it through? The answer is, she’s just not telling you. This is the fundamental cause of why the relationship is failing.
I had this problem for years. Many times, my wife would tell me she just wants to do something, but she didn’t know why. The reality was, I had not created enough emotional security in our relationship for her to feel safe enough to tell me. She just knew it was going to turn into a fight.
So, if your wife or husband tells you, “I just need some space and I don’t know why, I just do. I just need some time for myself,” what they’re actually telling you is, “I can’t be bothered to share this with you because I’m done with this situation. I’m done with this fighting and argument. And I know that if I tell you the real reason why I want some space in this relationship, then you’re just gonna flip your lid and it’s just gonna start a fight.”
Recently, I was working with a guy as a couple, and I was getting his wife’s story and his story at the same time, so I knew what was going on. I was getting an unbiased view of both sides of the situation. When the guy said, “My wife just doesn’t like talking. She just doesn’t want to talk,” I asked him, “Is it that she doesn’t want to talk, or is it that she doesn’t want to talk to you?” Because if that’s the case, that she doesn’t want to talk to you, then that is a very serious situation. If she does not have the emotional security where she feels like she can open up, then you’re done. There’s nothing left in this relationship.
I talked to another guy in the same exact situation. He said, “After 15 years of marriage, my wife wants to leave, and she doesn’t know why. She’s just decided that she doesn’t want to be married anymore.” I asked him, “Is that really the case, or is she just very uncomfortable telling you the reason because she’s had enough? She’s done with this relationship. She’s done with this fighting. And she knows that if she tells you the real reason why she’s leaving, which is the fact that she can’t talk to you, she can’t have a conversation with you and feel safe in that, it’s just going to blow up. She’s done with it. She’s like, ‘I just don’t want to fight anymore. I can’t be bothered with this anymore. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. And if I tell him the real reason why I’m leaving, he’s just going to blow up. And I’m just going to get more of what I’m getting already. And I’m going to get more of the reason why I’m leaving for.'”
That’s the problem right there. If your wife or husband is telling you that they want something, and they don’t know why or they want an outcome, and they don’t, that’s what’s going on right there. There’s a lack of emotional security. So, what is the solution to this? You’ve got to create enough emotional security within the relationship to where your partner feels like they can be 100% of themselves with you 100% of the time. If they don’t feel like they can be themselves, if they feel like they’re going to be punished every time they talk, if they feel like it’s going to start a fight every time they talk, guess what’s going to happen? They’re going to stop talking. It’s as simple as that. They’re simply going to stop talking, and that, my friend, is the end of your relationship. That is the death of communication, the death of passion. Maybe your marriage will survive, maybe you guys will stay together, but the passion is not going to be there, the intensity is not going to be there, the love is not going to be there. It’s just going to be a roommate-style relationship, where it’s just a marriage of convenience. There’s no passion, there’s nothing like that.
So, you’ve got to create an environment of emotional security where both parties feel like they can communicate openly without the fear of their deepest insecurities being damaged, or a fight starting up. For a man, it’s one thing; for a woman, it’s different. Men find it harder to open up, whereas women like to talk. It’s a pretty rare event when a man really deeply opens up and exposes himself, shares himself deeply in the relationship. And if he suffers pain or injury as a result of doing that, then that’s it. There will be no more communication for a very long time. Let me give you an example from my own life.
In my own situation, when I finally decided to open up with my wife and come clean, I told her that I had been drinking excessively and going up to my roof every night. I had a loft, and I was telling my wife I was playing with my toys, but actually, I was up there drinking very heavily. Finally, I came down one night, and she was there. I turned to her and said, “I’ve been up in the roof drinking, and I’ve been doing that for a very long time. That is the cause of all the problems in our relationship.” Fortunately, she responded in a very emotionally safe way. She appreciated me telling her that and being honest with her. She said, “We’re going to get through this together.” I took a chance, I opened up, and I exposed everything to her emotionally. But if she had responded differently, it would have destroyed the emotional safety and prevented me from opening up again for a very, very long time.
The same happens the other way around with women. When a woman tries to openly communicate and she just gets hit with a brick wall, time after time, eventually she shuts down. So, if your partner is asking for space, how do you get them back? You give them emotional security. We’ll cover that in another video, but the answer is you show them that they have emotional security, where they can open up. It’s absurd to think that somebody who’s been married for 25 years doesn’t know why they want to leave the relationship. Of course, they know why they want to leave the relationship. They’re just not going to tell you. And I guarantee they’re telling their friends, their colleagues at work, anybody who will listen why they want to leave that relationship. That’s because those people are providing emotional security where the communication opens up honestly.
Once that emotional security is in place, it opens the door for mutual admiration, shared vision, shared goals, restored intimacy, and a ton of other things that happen within the relationship. The restoration process can happen really quickly, but you have to provide emotional security for your partner. If you want help on how to do that, check out the links in the description, check out the pinned comments. I’ve got some training specifically for you to help you increase communication, intimacy, and stop the fighting in your relationship. Make sure you subscribe to this channel, give us a like, leave a comment, and come back and watch another video. That’s it for me. God bless you, and I’ll talk to you very soon.
