So, your partner has asked you for some space in the relationship. How long should you give them?
Hey, I’m Cody Butler, a relationship coach and founder of Better Marriage. Today, I want to discuss how long you should give your partner if they’ve asked for space.
Make sure you stay till the end of this video because I’m going to provide you with some free resources, including a training class on how to end fighting in your relationship immediately, restore communication, and revive intimacy. I’ll tell you how to get that class completely for free at the end of this video.
But right now, I want to share four steps with you that can help shorten the amount of time it takes for your partner to come back if they’ve asked for space in the relationship.
The first tip is to give them as long as it takes. If the question is how long should you give them, the answer is simple: you give them as long as it takes. When your partner asks for space, they’re moving away from something. It could be constant fighting, poor communication, or other issues in the relationship that they can no longer deal with.
They need some separation from those problems. They may feel claustrophobic or trapped, and asking them repeatedly how long this will take or setting a specific time limit will only push them further away.
What they’re actually asking for when they request space is a break from certain behaviors or situations. Many people make the mistake of thinking that their partner wants space from them as an individual, but that’s not the case.
They want space from the behaviors that are causing problems in the relationship. For example, if constant fighting is the issue, if you could immediately stop the fighting and improve communication, they wouldn’t need space from you. The good news is that it’s not you they want space from; it’s the situation.
So, the answer to the question of how long you should give them is as long as it takes to identify and change the behavior that is making them feel claustrophobic or trapped.
Now, for tip number two to help them come back sooner: don’t keep asking how long they need.
Don’t ask, “How long?” when they’re going to come back. If they’ve asked for space, now is the time to give them that space. This doesn’t mean no contact; I don’t believe in the no-contact rule. It’s not about completely cutting off contact with them. It’s about respecting their need for communication and giving them the space they’ve requested.
Continuously asking them when they will come back, how much time they need, or how much space they require only adds fuel to the already burning fire. They might be feeling claustrophobic or trapped, which is why they need space.
Maybe they need that distance to feel safe at this point. By constantly asking how long it will take, you contribute to their feelings of claustrophobia and hopelessness.
What really needs to happen here is a change of behavior. If your natural instinct and emotions tell you to ask them how long it will be, you need to fight that urge. Your instincts and emotions have led to the current situation, so they are likely to be wrong.
We often behave instinctually and based on our emotions, but that has caused the problem and the separation. Therefore, we must do the exact opposite of what our instincts tell us.
If our instinct tells us to chase them, convince them to come back, or pursue them, we need to resist that urge. The more we chase them, the further they will run away because we are perpetuating the same behavior.
Whatever behavior you have been exhibiting, it’s crucial to change it. People are attracted to behavior, not just the person. By changing your behavior, you can regain their attraction, which is a positive outcome.
Now, the third thing to do, which kind of follows on from the previous point, is to identify what it is that’s causing the need for the space in the first place. Are you really needy? Are you aggressive? Do you fight all the time?
Are there behaviors like drinking or drug use in the relationship? Are you often absent despite your spouse’s request for you to be home more? Maybe they can’t handle being alone or left alone anymore.
What are the reasons your spouse has asked you for separation? What are the reasons your spouse has asked you for space? We need to understand this without directly asking them why they need space.
When a partner asks for space, we should give it to them, as it honors their request and provides the change they are seeking. Most of the time, they haven’t been getting their needs met, which is why they need space.
Therefore, we definitely shouldn’t ask them why they need space, but rather try to figure out what’s causing their need for it. What’s pushing them away? What’s creating the distance they desire? We must eliminate those factors from our lives and make the necessary changes.
Often, if we deeply reflect, we do know what’s causing the separation, the problem they can no longer tolerate or are unwilling to deal with. We need to focus on that and work on it while they are absent.
If they see that the elements they wanted space from have changed, they will gradually start to come back, and sometimes they may return quickly.
For example, excessive alcohol use may be a significant issue in the relationship, prompting the need for space. If your partner sees that the alcohol use has been eliminated from the relationship, the barrier that made them want space has been removed. Consequently, they no longer have a reason to seek that space. So, it’s crucial to identify what is causing
The problem is that it’s causing the need for space, and you have to address it immediately. Now, tip number four for you is that you have to work on yourself harder than you work on the relationship.
You need to focus on personal growth, not trying to change the other person. If your partner has asked for space and there’s distance between you, it’s not the time to pressure them to change. Doing so will only push them further away and make them believe that the space is permanent. Instead, you should focus on self-improvement.
There’s a reason why your partner has left and why they need space. It could be due to poor communication, alcohol use, an inability to be present, or other issues.
All of these problems can be resolved within yourself. Your partner doesn’t need to change for the relationship to change, and pressuring them to do so will only make them less likely to come back.
Taking responsibility and acknowledging that you have the ability to change is crucial. You can become a better communicator, adjust your focus, alter your dialogue, and change the meaning you place on things.
When you start working on these aspects, your partner will notice that you’re creating an environment they want to be a part of. Once they see this, they will be more inclined to come back.
Those are the four steps that can help shorten the time frame in which a partner needs space. However, the duration of the space needed can vary, and it should be given as long as it takes. Hopefully, you found these steps helpful.
If you need assistance with communication, resolving conflicts, or improving intimacy in your relationship, I have a free workshop available. It provides guidance on achieving these goals quickly and effectively. You can find the link in the description or the pinned comment below. Additionally, we offer other valuable free resources, so be sure to check them out.
If you enjoy these videos, please help us spread the word by subscribing to the channel, liking this video, leaving a comment, and sharing it on social media. This will help us reach people who may benefit from this information. Thank you, and I’ll be in touch soon.
