So your partner is asking for space. What do you do?
Here are seven steps that you can take to win your spouse back. Hi, Cody Butler here, relationship coach, and founder of Better Marriage. Today, I want to talk to you about seven tips, seven steps that you can take if your partner is asking you for space in the relationship, if they’re separating in the relationship. Make sure you stay to the end because I’ve got an awesome free class for you on how to end the fighting in your relationship, how to restore the communication, and how to increase the intimacy. I’m going to give you that completely full frame and tell you how to get that at the end of this video. So let’s look at the seven steps you can take to bring your partner back if they’re asking for space inside of your relationship.
#Step 1
All right, so step number one is to understand the cost of not giving them space. Giving them the space that they’re asking for is going to be very difficult. It’s going to be very challenging because we want to pursue. We want them to come back, and we want them back in the relationship. But if we pursue them and we don’t give them the space they’re asking for, if we don’t respect their wishes, then we’re going to lose them. The chances are that the more we pursue, the more they’re going to want space, and it’s going to be hard not to pursue them. So we’ve got to understand the cost of the pursuit, and we’ve got to understand the cost of not giving them that space, and the ultimate cost is they’re probably going to leave the relationship.
Now, we’re going to do what is the least painful for us. We’re going to take the least painful action. Human beings always move away from pain, and if your partner leaving, your partner asking for space is a very painful thing for you, then checking them and trying to get them back is the less painful option, then that is what you’re going to do. You’re going to chase them, and you’re going to try and get them back because it’s less painful than letting them go. But the reality is, the more you chase, the less likely they are to come back. So even though not chasing them, not going after them, not trying to get them to come back directly is painful, going after them is even more painful because they’re probably going to leave. And you have to understand that what feels very difficult is actually going to be your best option. It’s going to be the least painful option over the long term.
So step number one is to understand what is the actual cost of pursuing them and not respecting their wishes and not giving them the space that they need. And the cost is, they’re probably going to leave the relationship. So we want to avoid this.
#Step 2
Now that’s great, you might say, Cody, but how do we do that if my partner’s asking me for space? How can I just let them go? Well, step number two is the way to do this, and step number two is to change your focus. What are you focused on right now? Are you focused on them leaving? Are you focused on your needs not getting met as a result? Are you focused on you being single as a result of them asking for space? What are you focused on right now? So the one thing that we can all control is what we focus on, what we choose to think about, and the meaning that we assign that focus, which ultimately is going to be step number three, which is choosing a new meaning for what’s going on.
#Step 3
So we can focus on choosing a new meaning for what’s happening. What’s going on and the focus that we can put on it is that they’ve asked for space, and the meaning that we can give to that is that the relationship is coming to an end, and I need to do something about that. But we also have different choices there. Let me demonstrate this to make this clear: when your partner asks for space, you can choose to focus on something completely different. You can say, “Okay, I’m going to focus on the fact that there are some structural issues within our relationship. There are some problems within our relationship, and I’m going to focus on fixing those problems.”
This is great because the meaning that I’m going to give to this space that my partner is asking for is that this is an opportunity for me to work on myself, to get better, and to improve our relationship from the ground up. That’s a completely different focus and a completely different meaning, which will produce a completely different outcome from the focus and the meaning of my partner’s asking for space, which means that the relationship is going to come to an end, or my partner is asking for space, which means that I’m going to be single very soon, and that’s problematic. You’ve got to change your focus, and you’ve got to change the meaning that you assign to that focus because that ultimately will change your behavior.
The main thing you have to understand here, if you only take one thing away from this video, let it be this: people are moving away from or they’re moving towards behavior. They’re not moving away from you or towards you. They’re not moving away from your relationship or towards your relationship. They’re moving towards or away from a specific behavior. If the behavior that they’re looking for space from is constant fighting and constant arguing within the relationship, if that constant fighting and argument was removed, then they would come back into the relationship. That is what’s stopping them from coming back. It’s not you personally. It’s the behavior that is coming out of the relationship.
So by changing your focus, what we’re going to focus on, and by changing the meaning that it’s given, it allows us to change our behavior in a positive way that is going to create an environment that gives us the very best chance of bringing our partner back into the relationship.
#Step 4
Now, step number four in this process, which just carries on from the previous steps, is you’ve got to change your internal dialogue, your self-talk. Your internal dialogue is determining everything. It’s determining how you feel, and how you feel determines how you behave. And how you behave is determining what’s going on in the relationship. Right now, if your partner’s asking for space, your internal dialogue is creating an environment that’s asking for your partner to need space, asking them to move away and get some space from the relationship.
So the way that we initially change this is that we’ve got to change our internal dialogue. What are we telling ourselves about the situation? What are we telling ourselves about ourselves? What internal monologue is going on about our partner? What are we telling ourselves about our partner? Is it healthy, productive, supportive? Are we talking about them in our heads to ourselves in a nice way, or are we talking about them to ourselves in a way that is not that nice? Are we talking about them in a way that, if we spoke to them in person like that, it would be hugely problematic, and they wouldn’t want to be around us? So what we’ve got to do is change the internal monologue, the internal dialogue that’s going on in us, in our minds.
We’ve got to change the conversation that we’re having with ourselves because when we change the conversation, we change our feelings and behavior. Our behavior is what is either repelling or attracting people, and what pushes them away or draws them back.
#Step 5
Step number five is giving them what they want. If they are asking for space or separation, it is because their needs are not being met within the relationship. We must start to give them what they want and need to draw them back into the relationship.
Respecting their request for space and honoring it without pursuing them is crucial to meeting their needs. Pursuing them against their wishes will only push them away and reinforce their desire for space. This small step will open a crack in communication, which is crucial to restoring the relationship.
Living your life while they are away is important. Life goes on, and we need to continue moving forward in healthy and productive ways. The best way to shorten the time frame and bring them back is to show them that you are living a healthy, productive life that they will want to return to. If you fall apart and become depressed, anxious, and unable to function without them, they will not be attracted to return.
Working on yourself during this time is also crucial. Use this situation as an opportunity to improve yourself, your communication, and your relationship. It’s an opportunity to get healthier, both mentally and physically.
If you need help with communication, I offer a free training class on improving communication and restoring intimacy in your marriage. Check out the link in the description or the pin comment below for more free resources to help you with your relationship.
That will help you with communication, which will help you to stop fighting. When your partner does come back and opens the door just a little bit to dialogue, there won’t be any fighting going on, which will push them away and reinforce the fact that the space is the best thing for them now.
#Step 6
Tip number six is to continue living your life while they are asking for space. Life goes on, and we have to go on as well. We can’t put everything on hold until they come back, and we can’t make the whole universe about getting them to come back. We’ve got to continue to live our lives in a healthy and productive way. The best thing you can do to shorten the time frame and get your partner to come back is to let them see that you are living a healthy, productive life and creating an environment they would want to come back into. If you just deteriorate into a depressed mess, an anxious mess, or collapse in on yourself and can’t function without that person, they won’t find it attractive, and they won’t want to move back into that environment.
You’ve got to create an environment that they’re happy to come back to and a version of yourself that they’re happy to be around. You’ve got to continue living your life to the fullest. That’s not ignoring what’s going on, but you’ve got to continue living a full and healthy life.
#Step 7
This leads me to point number seven, which is our final point, and that is that you’ve got to work on yourself while this is going on. This is an opportunity for you to get better, healthier, improve your communication, increase your conflict resolution skills, and become happier. Create an environment that your partner would want to spend time in and that’s why ultimately, in the marriage recovery process, when we work with clients, it’s more about working on yourself than it is on working with your partner. You have the ability to turn a relationship around by yourself, even if your partner is not cooperative.
So, my final tip is that you’ve got to be working on yourself harder than you’re working on your relationship or your spouse. Your spouse doesn’t need changing, and it’s not your responsibility to change them. The only place where you have influence, authority, and can take definitive action is on yourself. Work on yourself, improve your skills, build your own skills, and become a bigger and better person. Share your tips in the comments, leave a tip for me, and let me know what you think about my tips. If you like these videos, please subscribe to the channel, like the video, and share these videos on social media. It really helps us get the word out. That’s it from me. I hope you found this useful, and I’ll see you in the next video.
