So how do you save your marriage if you’ve already separated?
Hi Cody Butler, here – marriage coach and founder of Better Marriage Today. I want to talk to you about some things that you can do if you’ve already separated, your partner’s moved out, but you still want to save your marriage.
So the first thing is a principle that you always have to act in areas that you have influence and have the ability to act. Now if your partner has checked out, then you probably don’t have the ability to act and influence them at this point. But the area that you do have the ability to act upon and influence is yourself, and this is always the place to start.
All too often, we look at our partner and we try to fix them. We look at their problems, we look at their faults, we look at what’s wrong with them, we’re looking at what they’re doing to damage the relationship, we look at the pain that they’re causing, and we place all of the blame on them. And this is probably why they’re leaving. Ultimately, they just get tired of being blamed, they just get tired of not being good enough, and they just get tired of trying, and they just check out from the relationship.
So giving more of what caused the relationship to fail to try and save the relationship is insanity. It isn’t going to work. So what we need to do is to identify where can I act, where do I have influence, where do I have the ability to act, where do I have the power to make change? And the answer to that question is right here with me. I have the ability to act on myself. I have the ability to change myself. I have the ability to work on myself.
And a lot of times, we’ll be looking at stuff like trust issues, for example, within a relationship. Partner A is having trust issues with Partner B, and they just look at Partner B as being untrustworthy. But they refuse to look at themselves and look at the problems that they have, and they refuse to look at any trustworthy issues that they have in themselves. Now, a lot of times we look at things on a binary perspective. It’s black or white – this person is trustworthy or they’re not trustworthy, they’re honest or they’re not honest. It’s an X or a No. It’s a Yes or No. It’s a black and white situation. But the reality is very few things fall into that binary decision category, and trust and all of those things are in that category as well.
It’s not a case of “Is this person trustworthy?” It’s a case of “How trustworthy is this person?” And a lot of times we look at ourselves and we ask the question looking for a binary answer. And I might look at myself and go, “Cody, am I trustworthy?” And if I go, “Yes or No”,
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If I say “Yes,” it doesn’t really give any area for me to work on, alright? It’s a definitive answer, and I just go, “I’m trustworthy, therefore there’s nothing to work on.” But the real question is not, “Am I trustworthy?” The real question is, “How trustworthy am I?” And a lot of times, we just look at big things, right? It’s like the person has cheated, so therefore they’re not trustworthy.
But were there times when I told my wife I would call and I didn’t? Were there times when I told her I’d be home at seven and I didn’t get home till night? Were there times when I said I’d pick something up from the store and I didn’t? There are lots of areas if we move this into a continuum of how trustworthy am I, how much trust can my wife put in me, instead of binary black or white, then we can see that actually there’s a lot of areas within ourselves that we can work on.
And I can, instead of saying, “My partner’s not trustworthy and that is the issue,” then I can look at myself and say, “I’m not trustworthy,” or “There’s room for improvement in my trustworthiness.” And that is going to be a breath of fresh air for the other person. Right? Instead of you going to them, telling them that you have a problem, you have an issue, you need to change, when you can turn that around and say, “The problems in this relationship are caused by my behavior.” And sure, maybe you’ve got some trust issues. We’re just using that as an example, right? Maybe you have some trust issues, but I have a lot of trust issues too. So I’m not even going to address your issues until I’m perfect, until I’ve reached the pinnacle of trustworthiness. And when I can say that I’m perfect, then I’m going to come to this person and then I’m going to address their trust issues.
Because really, what gives us the right to change that person? What really gives us the right to question that person? And that is what’s going to cause somebody to leave a relationship. So if we want to save the relationship, if we want to be able to get them back in if we’re already separated, then we’ve got to show change, right? We’ve got to show that the situation has changed, that there’s hope. We’ve got to show that we’ve changed, and that way, that gives them hope.
There’s no way they’re going to want to come back to the same situation, and there’s no way you’re going to be able to change them at this point. So the only option that you have is you’ve got to start working on yourself. You’ve got to start working on your skills. You’ve got to start working on how you see the world. You’ve got to start working on what you’re doing within the relationship and how you’re behaving within the relationship. And that is it.
That is the only place you have influence. That is the only place you can act. And if you want to save your marriage, it is the only thing that you can do. Now, if you want some help with this, I’ve got a free workshop. The link is in the description where I share with you the things that are really, really important, how to communicate better, how to talk to your partner while you’re separated.
To where they’ll listen to you, how to reduce conflict, how to argue less, how to have conversations with this person in a way that isn’t going to cause an argument. Because if you’re already separated, they’re not going to want to talk to you very much. It’s just been fight after fight, right? And every time you talk, you’re going to have to fight again and again and again. So unless you get some new skills, unless you get a new way to have a conversation, and you can show this person that something really is genuinely going to be different this time, then nothing is going to change.
You need to be able to show them that something is going to change this time. You need to be able to show them that if you have a conversation with them, it’s not going to result in a fight. And what is that? Why is it not going to result in a fight? Because I’ve got some new skills. I’ve taken some education, and I want to give that to you 100% for free. Link in the description.
So that’s it for me. Hopefully, that’s helpful. If you like this content, please help us out. Please give it to other people who really need this information to save their relationships by subscribing to the channel, giving us a like, and sharing this video on social media. It really, really helps us get the word out and it really helps us save relationships.
So that’s it from me. Bless you all..
