So, how do you save your marriage if it’s full of trust issues? Hi Cody here, a relationship coach and founder of Better Marriage.
I want to talk to you about what you can do to save a marriage that’s full of trust issues, where you don’t trust your partner.
The first thing I want to say is that if you have trust issues in your marriage, you should always start by acting in the areas where you have the power to act. Take action on the things you can control and manage, which always includes yourself. You always have the ability to change yourself and how you perceive things, even if you are unable to influence your partner.
Now, the second thing is to remind yourself of the vows and promises that were made in the relationship at the beginning. If you’re in a conventional marriage and went through traditional wedding vows, you promised to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, until death do you part. A lack of trust falls under the “for better or worse” aspect of the contract.
So, as I’ve said, it’s important to look at yourself and ask where you can act in this situation, what actions you can take, and where you can work on yourself. If you’re struggling with trust issues with your partner, and your partner is not trustworthy, this is an opportunity for you to reflect on whether you are upholding your part of the contract. Are you doing everything you promised to your partner?
If the answer is no, if you have insecurities or if you’re unable to move forward because you can’t trust your partner, then it’s likely that your partner may also have trust issues with you. They may come to you and say, “I have trust issues with you too. You promised to love me no matter what, or until death do us part. And even though I’m not trustworthy, you are not upholding your end of the deal, which makes you untrustworthy as well.”
So, the real question here is, are you leading from the front? Are you choosing to love this person no matter what, as you promised? If you’re holding your partner accountable for a certain level of trust, then you also have to be accountable to the same level of trust. Understand that you made an unconditional promise, which means it doesn’t matter how your partner behaves in a conventional marriage relationship where that promise was made.
Your promise to that person is completely unconditional. It is not dependent on how they behave towards you. It is to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, till death do us part. That has nothing to do with how they behave. There’s nothing in that contract or clause that says, “I promise to love this person and be with them as long as they behave in a certain way, as long as they’re trustworthy, and as long as they do what I want them to do.” This is absolutely an unconditional promise that has been made.
So, my first question, and the big question, really, would be: Are you living up to that promise? Always look at yourself. The easiest way to deal with trust issues is to look at yourself and ask, “Am I truly trustworthy as well?” And if you’re not, then start working on that. Are there areas in your marriage or relationship where you have been less than completely honest?
Because often, we focus on one significant issue, such as infidelity, as a major trust problem. But there are also many smaller instances where we haven’t been trustworthy. We haven’t shown up when we said we would, we haven’t followed through on our promises, and we haven’t behaved as we said we would. We are also demonstrating trust issues. Yet, we only hold our partner accountable because their trust issue seems bigger to us.
So, start with yourself. Look at yourself and ensure that you are becoming trustworthy. Make sure you are the person you are holding your partner accountable to. Understand that in a conventional marriage, the promise is unconditional, and whether your partner is trustworthy or not isn’t really a factor because you have promised to love them unconditionally, regardless of their actions.
If you want more training or help on how to improve your marriage, we have a brand new, completely free workshop where we discuss better communication, building trust, enhancing intimacy, and reducing conflict within the relationship. The workshop link is in the description, and it’s completely free.
That’s all from me. Bless you all, and we’ll talk to you very soon.
