So you’ve had a big fight in your marriage, and now you want to get things back to normal. Hi, my name’s Cody. I’m with Better Marriage, and today I want to share with you three strategies you can use to bring the relationship back to a normal level after you’ve had a big fight.
Now, the first strategy is going to be to discuss ahead of time what you’re going to do with your partner when you have a big fight. What is the conflict resolution strategy? How are you going to do this? Because when you’re in a fight, emotion goes up, and intelligence goes down.
And you’re in no position to de-escalate. Even after a fight, you’re in no position to really restore the relationship for quite some time because the emotional levels are too high. And you really can’t communicate at a sensible and normal level.
So, the key here is to talk to your partner ahead of time about what the conflict resolution is going to be after a fight. When you are emotionally level-headed and understand that you guys are both in the same boat here, communicate this with your partner. We’re both in the same lifeboat on the same ocean. And it doesn’t make sense to be throwing hand grenades at each other because when these hand grenades go off, it does damage to both of us.
We’re in the same boat. And having a strategy ahead of time of what you’re going to do, how you’re going to resolve a conflict when an argument happens, is going to be a very, very, very good way to quickly bring down the argument and bring it back to a normal level.
You’re not going to be able to rationalize that out when you’re very emotional after the heated argument.
Now, strategy number two is to accept responsibility and apologize for your role in the argument. Again, this is why I’ve put having a conflict resolution plan ahead of time, because if one person is just apologizing all the time, it’s going to create more conflict.
They’re going to feel like they’re giving and not getting. So, this is where both parties really need to agree ahead of time that you’re going to accept responsibility for your role in the argument. Now, that’s not to say that you’re responsible for the argument or that you’re blameless or you’re to blame for the argument either way.
Accept Responsibility
But we all have a responsibility. It takes two people to fight; one person cannot fight by themselves. So, at the very least, one party has escalated the conversation, one party has started the argument, and the other party has escalated. The very least you can do is apologize for the escalation and say, “I’m really sorry for escalating this.”
Now, you can look at each individual situation, and there are certain things that you can apologize for that you didn’t want to do. Maybe you didn’t want to hurt their feelings, or perhaps there are certain things that you said, certain tones you used, or you’re sorry that it escalated.
It’s not to say you don’t have to apologize for the actual context of the argument, but there are certain things within the argument that you can apologize for and accept responsibility for.
If you’ve discussed this ahead of time and made it part of your conflict resolution solution, it will work really well. If one party can say, “I’m sorry I shouted at you; I shouldn’t have done that,” it doesn’t mean they didn’t mean what they said. It just means they are sorry for shouting because shouting escalates the situation.
The other person can say, “I’m sorry I did this,” or “I’m sorry I did that.” Then, we can start to come together on better terms where the emotional levels start to decrease. An apology opens up the gateway to a better and more productive conversation. So, accepting responsibility and communicating that to your partner is step number two.
Step number three is to understand. Discuss this ahead of time with your partner that keeping the argument going for hours, days, or weeks is detrimental to everybody. It’s detrimental to your health, marriage, children (if you have them), and overall emotional and psychological well-being. It’s in everyone’s best interest to resolve the conflict as quickly as possible and get back to normal.
One rule I have for couples when I’m coaching and counseling them is to never let the sun set on your anger. As part of your resolution solution, commit to always resolving the situation before going to bed. Do not carry issues over into the next day.
This is where problems arise within a marriage when many small issues are left unresolved and continue to accumulate. Before you know it, someone gets triggered over a seemingly small point, resulting it’s a massive explosion. it’s a massive Overreaction
Nuclear Explosion
And the other person is just left bewildered, going, “Well, what happened here? How did this nuclear explosion happen?” The reality is they just had many, many issues that never got resolved, many arguments that they allowed to carry over without resolution.
These issues were suppressed and repressed, but at some point, they will explode. And when they do, it won’t be one at a time. When the person finally has enough, all of them will come out at once, resulting in a massive explosion.
So, strategy number three is to agree with each other to never let the sun set, to never go to bed until the argument has been resolved. Then, start the next day fresh. It’s just a choice. Choose not to hold a grudge, choose to forgive.
That’s all there is to it. Make the resolution to choose to forgive the person before you go to bed and make the resolution to choose to move on the next day, forget, and start over. I know it’s difficult, but marriage
Conclusion:
For grown-ups, marriage is not an easy thing. This is what you have to do if you want to have a successful marriage.
So, those are my three tips. Let me know what some of your tips are. What do you think about my tips? Do you think they’re right or wrong? Let me know in the comments which of those three tips you think is good, and share your tip as well. Share your tips in the comments.
And if you like this content, please help us get the word out. If you want some more free training on how to help your marriage, how to have a better marriage, there are some links in the description. We’ve got some free training, some free classes for you. Go ahead and check them out. See what you think. I think you’ll find them really, really interesting.
So that’s it from me. Bless you all, and we’ll talk to you next time.
