So you want more sex in your marriage?
Here’s how to get it. Hey Cody Butler, here’s a marriage coach and founder of Better Marriage. Today, I want to talk to you about what to do if there’s a lack of sex in your marriage. If you’re experiencing a sex drought right now, this is really, really important because the number one cause of divorce is issues around sex. It’s a huge problem.
Now, before we continue with this conversation, I just want to say that this is obviously going to be an adult conversation and it’s not appropriate for children. So if you have any children watching right now, it might be a good time to pause this and come back when they’re not watching the video. Also, if you’re watching this video right now, I’m guessing there’s a high probability that you’re a man because generally, this is a problem that men experience within a relationship. Very rarely is it the woman who comes to me and says, “My husband’s libido is really low. My husband’s just not giving me enough sex.” It’s almost always the man.
On the flip side, the number one complaint that women have when they come to me in a counseling or coaching situation is that there is a lack of conversation. Now, this is really important because it is the key to solving the lack of sex situation within your marriage. When a woman is open to sex, it’s after a conversation. It’s after emotional connection and emotional communication.
Now, this is really important to understand because it’s the exact opposite for men. When a man has sex, it opens him up to communication and emotional intimacy, which is the exact opposite for females. So when a woman complains about a lack of communication in a relationship, and a man complains about a lack of sex in a relationship, they’re essentially complaining about the same problem. It’s really a chicken and egg situation. When a woman needs communication to be open to sex, and a man needs sex to be open to communication, it creates a problem of which comes first.
A man is not going to want to communicate unless he gets sex, which is a real problem because then the woman is not wanting to give the sex that he requires to have that communication. Of course, this creates conflict within the marriage that has no resolution without understanding, education, and training around communication.
Now, to solve this problem, the first thing to do is to understand that marriage is a place where we go to give and meet the other person’s needs. If we enter into a marriage or relationship with the belief that we’re here to get our needs met, it’s going to fail or at least be a very conflictual relationship with a lot of problems. You have to enter into a marriage with the fundamental underlying belief that you’re coming into this situation to give selflessly to your partner and predominantly meet your partner’s needs over your own. If both partners can do this and come to this situation where they’re both giving selflessly, then harmony can happen, and both parties can get what they want.
Now, the way to do this is…
If a man wants more sex, then he has to understand that the woman needs communication. Now, you’re not going to want to give that communication. I understand that it’s going to be difficult, awkward, and uncomfortable for you. But at the same time, understand that she is having the same experiences, feelings, and emotions about having sex with you. She’s feeling very difficult, awkward, and uncomfortable with having sex until that emotional need is met.
Now, a man can have sex with anybody, generally speaking, just at an animalistic level. At a human level, a man doesn’t even have to like the person he’s having sex with in order to have sex. Very different creatures, compared to women, who have very different attitudes towards sex. A woman, on the other hand, has to feel very connected and emotionally intimate with the man she’s having sex with before she can open herself up to do that.
When we understand this and can start to meet those needs in our partners, then we start to get what we want. Now, if you’re a man watching this video right now, then I would say it’s going to be incumbent on you to start meeting the needs of your wife and doing so in a way that puts no obligation on her whatsoever. You simply have to approach the situation with the attitude of, “I’m going to give to my wife, I’m going to give to my partner, so she gets what she needs because that’s why I’m here. My job is here to protect her, to serve her, to give selflessly to her, to meet her needs. That is why I’m here. That is my job.”
And you have to approach it from that attitude. If you can do that and start meeting her needs selflessly and without placing any expectations on her to reciprocate with sex, then the sex is going to be a natural outflow of that situation. You have to be prepared to invest in the situation. It’s like any other situation in the world. A great example here is with farming. The ground responds to seed, it does not respond to need. The ground simply doesn’t care how much need you have for a crop. It only responds to the seed that you plant.
And your partner is going to be exactly the same. They’re not going to be able to respond well to your need. What they’re going to respond to is the seed that you plant into the relationship. You have to sow into the relationship. If you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship, you have to ask yourself the question, “Is my partner getting what they want out of the relationship? What am I sowing into this relationship? What am I giving into this relationship? What am I investing into this relationship?” Because if you’re not getting what you want and need, there’s probably a lack of investment going into the relationship, a lack of sowing.
The solution is going to be to give selflessly, to make the effort to understand what your partner needs and provide it. Now, what that’s going to do is also going to start opening up the process of reciprocation.
It’s going to start to open them up to actually want to give back to you. It’s going to start to open them up to actually want to meet your needs. Now, a great way to think about this and understand this psychological principle of reciprocation is if you go out with somebody and they buy you a coffee, for example, or they buy you lunch, it is very difficult for us not to reciprocate that act back. In fact, we feel like the relationship is incomplete until the reciprocation has happened. If somebody buys us coffee, we feel obligated to buy them coffee back. If somebody gives us something or does something for us, we feel obligated to give a similar reciprocation back. The relationship does not feel complete and it does not feel good as a human being until that reciprocation has been made.
Now, the same is true within your marriage. This is a basic, fundamental, underlying psychological principle that runs through all human beings. We run on a principle of reciprocation, and we feel the need to reciprocate back what it is that we’ve been given. If you continue to give and give and give, and to sow into the relationship, giving your partner what they need, and do it without the intention of asking for anything back or without the expectation of anything in return, then the principle of reciprocation is going to kick in, and they’re going to feel the desire to reciprocate back to you.
Now, if you can couple this with great communication, explaining or being able to communicate what you need in a way that your partner understands in their language, which, if you’re a man, means learning to speak women because men and women speak different languages.
We simply don’t speak the same language, and we tend to speak to a woman as we would speak to another man. We tell a woman what we want in the way that we would tell another man what we want, and vice versa. Women speak to us in terms that another woman would understand instantaneously, but as men, we simply don’t understand it. So, we’ve got to acquire the skills of how to ask and how to communicate in a way that is hearable, that lets our partner know very clearly what we want out of the relationship.
Then we start to give, give, give without any intention of getting anything back, without any desire or obligation to receive anything in return because if you give purely with the intention of manipulation to get something back, that is going to be very clearly understood, and it’s going to make the situation worse.
Now, if you want some education and training on how to have those conversations, on how to communicate better, how to get more sex, how to get more intimacy, and how to stop fighting, and if you want to generally improve your relationship dramatically in a very short period of time because this is really easy stuff, a five-year-old could understand this once you get it, there’s a link in the description to a free workshop that I’ve put together for you called “How to Stop Fighting, How to Have More Sex, and How to Have Better Communication,” and I explain all this to you in much more detail. So, I highly encourage you to check that out.
And if you like this content and find it helpful, please like the video, hit the subscribe button, and leave a comment. What are some strategies or tips you have on how to get more sex in your relationship? Leave a comment below because it really helps us get this information to the couples that need it the most. So, that’s it from me. I hope you found that interesting and helpful. Bless you all, and I’ll talk to you very soon.
