Hey Cody here from Better Marriage, and today I want to give you five strategies for coping with a difficult or an angry partner within your marriage.
Strategy number one, or technique number one, is you’ve got to ask yourself, “Are you in danger? Are you safe?” Safety is paramount here, right? So, if you’ve got an angry partner, someone who’s angry all the time, the question is, “Are you safe? Are you in a place of safety?” And that’s step number one, right? If you’re not in a place of safety, if they’re violent or unpredictable, then you’ve got to secure your safety. That is step number one.
Now, assuming that the person is just angry, they’re not violent or dangerous towards you, then step number two is going to be to look at whether there are any external circumstances coming into the relationship that are causing these problems. And I’m thinking specifically of drug and alcohol use and abuse, and not even necessarily abuse.
Now, alcohol is a very damaging substance to a relationship. You don’t have to be a heroin addict or a cocaine addict to have drugs and alcohol do damage to your relationship. If there’s a lot of alcohol being used within the relationship, alcohol aggravates everything, it makes things worse. So my second question is, “Is there a lot of alcohol being used? Are you using alcohol? Is your partner using alcohol?” And step number two, or strategy number two, is to eliminate the alcohol or the drug use. If there’s alcohol and drug use in the relationship, by eliminating that, that alone can often eliminate a lot of the problems and reduce the anger levels.
And it’s also very difficult to deal with a person who’s on alcohol. Using alcohol or drugs is not a very rational person most of the time, so it’s very difficult to talk to a person in a rational way. So drugs and alcohol really need to leave the relationship. There’s no place in a successful marriage for drug and alcohol use, really. Certainly not excessive or daily drug and alcohol use.
Now, strategy number three for dealing with an angry partner is to adopt an attitude of de-escalation. De-escalation means using words that de-escalate, not engaging in escalations that cause anger. What is causing this person’s anger? If they’re an angry person generally, they’re going to be looking for trigger events. They’re going to be throwing balls at you for you to swing at and hit.
The key is don’t swing at the ball, don’t engage, and de-escalate. Start using language like, “I’m sure you’re right,” “If that’s your opinion, you’re certainly entitled to it,” “Yes, there are a lot of ways to look at that.”
Instead of needing to build a case and be right, it’s more important that you be happy than that you be right. You have to choose, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? And by choosing the attitude of wanting to be happy and adopting a habit of de-escalation, don’t swing at the ball they throw out there, just agree with them and agree to disagree. De-escalate. That is going to be strategy number three to cope with a difficult or angry person in a marriage.
Now, before we go on to number four
I just encourage you, please help us get this word out here. We want to help people save their marriages. What are your strategies and tips? Leave a comment and let me know what you think are some great ways to deal with angry people within a relationship or an angry person. Let me know what you think about my strategy. If you agree or disagree, let me know in the comments. That would be fantastic.
Now, let’s jump onto strategy number four. Give the person space to voice their anger. What is it that they’re angry about? Let them get it out. Anger is just a form of a suppressed emotion. That’s all it is. It’s an expressed form of a suppressed emotion. And as long as those feelings and emotions are suppressed, eventually they’re going to express themselves, and generally, it’s going to be in the form of anger or negativity or in the form of illness. It’s very negative to suppress emotions, and the way to deal with that is to give the person space to voice what it is that they’re concerned about. Again, this is what marriage is all about, right? Saving Marriage 101. Really, the only thing that you need for a successful marriage is better communication.
And that’s what I’m talking about here. Allow the person, give them the space to talk about what it is that’s concerning them, and let them talk uninterrupted. Let them talk without escalating the situation. Let them talk without you needing to express your viewpoint and without you needing to build a case to defend your viewpoint. Just let them talk.
Now, I worked in business for a long time. I was in restaurants and customer service, and quite often, a customer would come in, and they’d be very, very upset. And the key was just to let them talk. That was it. Let them talk through their problems, let them talk through their frustration. At the end of it, they just run out of steam.
When you jump in when somebody’s voicing a concern, when someone is voicing something they’re angry about, and you jump in, it just gives fuel. It’s like throwing gasoline on an open flame. It just fuels it and gives it more life, more power. By letting them speak it out, giving them the space, and saying, “Hey, something’s obviously bothering you today, sweetie.
Would you like to talk about that? Would you like to schedule a time with me to talk about that?” And then just listening without judgment, without trying to give advice, without justifying your position, it’s just going to lose steam, and the anger is naturally going to dissipate. This is the best way to get the anger out where it leaves the relationship.
Now, strategy number five, and our final strategy, is to simply ask the question, “How can I help you? How can I help you, sweetie? How can I help you, honey? I can see that you’re going through something here. I can see that you’re stressed out about something. I can see that something’s bothering you.
I can see that something’s making you angry. How can I help you? What can I do to make this burden lighter for you? What can I do to help?” Listening to what they say and helping them through that is going to be a very good strategy for helping them to eliminate the anger or at least not direct the anger towards you. When you’re being genuinely helpful, when you’re coming from a place of servitude and empathy and genuine care and concern, it’s difficult for that person to remain angry, and it’s even harder
for them to remain angry specifically at you. You’re not going to get the brunt of their anger. At worst, it might be redirected somewhere else. In the best-case scenario, you’ll help them work through their problems, and through that process, you’ll also reconnect and form a deeper bond and intimacy. Genuine communication starts to take place, and a genuine partnership begins to form, where you help each other through difficulties and issues.
So, that’s it for our five strategies on how to cope with a difficult partner in a marriage. If you want more tips, advice, and strategies on how to resurrect your marriage, how to recover your marriage, visit our website at www.bettermarriage.comu. We have a wealth of resources, including articles and other materials, on how you can improve your marriage and have a better relationship.
Bless you all, and we’ll talk to you soon.
