Knowing When to Give Up Marriage: Signs and Strategies to Save Your Relationship
You see, Mark had many problems in his marriage, just like everybody does. The problem was that they could never talk about those issues because Mark failed to provide an adequate amount of emotional security to make his wife feel safe to talk. Every time she tried to bring up a problem with him, it would start an argument and end in conflict. Eventually, his wife realized that any attempt at discussing the problem would end in a fight. So she stopped trying. When she stopped trying to bring up the conversations because it never went well, the problems just never got talked about. They got pushed down, and more and more problems got piled on top of each other until eventually, she just couldn’t take it anymore.
But once Mark was able to realize that the lack of emotional security that his wife felt was the problem and he was able to provide that for her, then she felt safe to talk to him. Then she felt safe to start talking about these problems, and the problems started to get resolved.
The second problem that Mark had was that he really didn’t understand what the problem was. If you want to save your marriage, you have to understand what the problem really is before you can come up with a solution. To understand what the problem really was, Mark had to go back to the beginning of his marriage and understand that there were only two reasons why his wife said yes to sharing a life with him. The first reason was that she loved the way that he made her feel about herself, and the second reason was that she saw a future with Mark that was brighter than a future without him. These were the two things that made her say yes to Mark and made her want to spend the rest of her life with him.
Now, the fact that she’s leaving means that these two things have changed. She now hated the way that Mark made her feel – the things he said, the things he did. She didn’t like the way that she felt around him, and she didn’t like the way that he interacted with her self-esteem and her self-confidence. She just didn’t like the way that she felt around Mark anymore. The second thing was that she started to see that a future outside of him was a better option than a future with him.
Once Mark understood that these were the two real issues within the relationship, he was able to go to work on the real problems and really start to focus on making her feel the way that she wants to feel. After all, who doesn’t want to be around somebody that makes them feel great, special, heard, understood, loved, and needed? The second thing was once he realized that his wife saw that a future without him was better than a future with him, he was able to start working on a compelling vision of a future that involved her and brought them together.
You see, Mark, like most people, met his wife on shared ground and interests. They thought that going through life together, as they had so many common interests, was a better option than going it alone. Once Mark understood this, he was able to start recreating that vision. He started working on the problem that she no longer shared a vision with him. Once he was able to present a vision to her and communicate that life with him was better than a life without him, he started to see the situation turn around.
Now, the third problem that Mark had was that he thought he was doing what his wife was asking. She would ask him to do something, and eventually, he would do it. However, she would still be mad at him, and he would say, “Nothing I do works. Nothing can make her happy.” She complained that he didn’t take out the garbage, so he took it out, and she still complained. She complained that he didn’t pick up his socks off the floor, so he picked them up, and she still complained. The problem was that Mark was thinking that what she was asking for was the problem. When he took the trash out, he thought that would solve the problem. That wasn’t the problem at all.
Once Mark could understand that the impact of him not doing what his wife was asking was having a major impact on how she felt about herself, he realized that the problem was deeper. When she asked him to take the trash out and he didn’t do it, it wasn’t about the trash. She felt like he was ignoring her role in the relationship. She felt like he didn’t respect her views and opinions. She didn’t feel like a partner in the relationship. She didn’t feel like he cared about her and how she feels and what she wants. And the fact that Mark was taking the garbage out eventually and thinking that that’s what she wanted, that didn’t solve the problem. What she really wanted was to be heard, understood, valued, and loved.
Once Mark got there and he started to understand that it’s not about doing what she asked, it’s about making her feel loved, respected, and valued, things really started to turn around quickly for Mark. Once she liked the way she felt again, she could see hope. Before, there was no hope for the relationship because she didn’t even feel as though she could talk about the problems in the relationship. She had no emotional security, and even if she could talk about the problems, what did it matter to her because they were going in two different directions?
Mark gave her the emotional security to talk about the problems and gave her a reason to resolve these issues by giving her a shared vision. He finally understood that what she really wanted was not the trash taken out, but she wanted to be loved, valued, and appreciated. Once Mark got all these things, his relationship turned around. He still had a problem; he still needed to get back in the bedroom and increase the intimacy in the relationship. If you want to know how he did that, watch this video.
For a better marriage, I want to say thank you for helping my wife and me save our marriage. When I think of it, it scares me how close we were to getting a divorce, which I can see now would have been a huge mistake. It turns out that we both wanted the same thing; we just didn’t know how to communicate that. Sometimes it just takes an outside perspective and a few tools to make all the difference. So, if you’re struggling with your marriage, don’t give up. You can quickly turn things around. This marriage recovery program will give you the skills you need to do that now.
