So, you fight all the time in your marriage. How do you put an end to that?
“Hey, Cody Butler here, marriage coaching founder of Better Marriage, and today I want to give you a very simple strategy on how to stop fighting with spouse easily and effortlessly. It’s about understanding a basic principle I talk about all the time. If you want to get to the solution of a problem, you have to understand the root cause of the problem, and the same is true here. All arguments, conflicts, or problems within the marriage fundamentally come down to one thing, and that one thing is a rule violation.”
Effective Strategies on How to Stop Fighting with Spouse and Foster Better Communication
If your wife is upsetting you, it’s because she’s violating some rule that you have, and vice versa. If you’re upsetting your wife, it’s because you’re violating a rule. This works everywhere in the world. If you’re going down the road, what is road rage? Road rage is you violating somebody else’s rule that they have set for you, but you have no idea about, and that you have not agreed or consented to. So, when we understand that all arguments and conflict come from rule violation, then we have to look at these rules that we’ve established for ourselves and the other person’s obligation to keep those rules and to uphold those rules.
Now, a lot of times, many of the rules that we’ve established for our relationship are just understood by us, and we just understand that it’s understood by the other person. It’s unspoken and unconsensual. We can look at stuff like family of origin. For example, I’m from England, and my wife is from the Middle East. They shout a lot in her family. That’s how they communicate. They show love by shouting.
I think that they’re having a fight and they’re going to get divorced, but they’re actually just having a friendly conversation. This is how they communicate. Whereas for myself, coming from England, we’re very reserved. We’re very quiet. We don’t shout at each other unless we’re upset or angry. So, again, my wife has a set of rules that you shout or you can shout at people that you love, whereas I have a set of rules that say that you only shout at people that you’re angry with. When she shouts at me, she’s believing that she’s communicating in a loving way to me, but I’m assuming that she’s angry with me.
So, there’s a rule violation. But here’s the problem. It’s not just a rule violation. The problem is that I have not consented to these rules, or she has not consented to these rules, or these rules have not been discussed. And again, this is just a very simple example. There are lots and lots of rules that we’ve established that we just assume the other person holds to be self-evident and as a fact of truth, morals, for example.
We believe that there are ways that people should behave. If we’re in a grocery store, and somebody cuts in front of us in the line, and we have to wait, that’s a rule. We get angry with that person because that’s a rule violation. We have this moral rule that you stand in line in an orderly fashion, and when you show up to the line, you go to the back and wait your turn. That is the rule that we have established. When somebody cuts in front of us, it angers us, it aggravates us, and it annoys us because they violated our rule. But hey, look, there are two things at play here. A, are they even aware that that is a rule?
If someone is aware of a rule, have they consented to that rule? Have they consented to playing by your rules? This is where we get confused because we assume that our rules are universal and apply to everybody. We assume that our truth is the ultimate truth and applies to everybody. If the other person or party does not recognize the truth, they are in violation. If the other person does not recognize the universal morals that we hold, then they are in violation.
But let’s look at the situation. Are they even aware of these rules that we’ve established? Even if they have knowledge and awareness of these rules, what obligation do they have to uphold them?
The solution is fewer rules. If you want to stop arguing or eliminate arguments within your relationship, it’s to understand that the arguments are coming from rule violations. Stop for a second when you’re starting to get irritated, when that heat is rising up, when that passion is rising up, and you’re getting ready to explode. Become self-aware and ask yourself the question: What rule has been violated, and is this person aware of the rule they’re violating? Even if they are aware of the rule that is being violated, do they have an obligation to keep that rule? Quite often, most of the time, you will find that they’re not even aware that they’re violating a rule. And secondly, even if they are aware that they’re violating that rule, they have no obligation to you to uphold that rule, and therefore you have no ability to enforce that rule, and the upset actually lies with you.
This is where narcissistic behavior or the accusation of narcissistic behavior comes from. It’s where one person believes that their rule system is absolute. They believe that their truth is the only truth and that all rules are universal and understood by everybody, and that they agree they have agreed to uphold those rules. When those rules are violated, this person becomes very self-righteous, becomes very difficult, very angry, because in their mind, you are violating a known rule, a known law that you have no right to violate. In their mind, you have consented to agreeing to all of their rules, to all of their laws, and any time that you’re not in agreement with them is because you’re violating one of those laws. This is where this behavior comes from.
A lot of times, I hear a man accusing their wives of being narcissistic, but let’s look at what that really is. The argument basically is coming from a sense of low-level narcissistic behavior. It’s believing that our rule is their rule and that we have a right to enforce that rule. If the other person does not abide by that rule or does not consent to or recognize that rule, that we have a right to get upset, we have a right to get angry. And of course, this is a very, very difficult situation when you’ve got two people that both believe that their rules are the right rules and their rules must be followed. Neither of you have consented to the rules, yet the rules are being enforced by both parties. This is where we arrive at irreconcilable differences within the relationship.
Stop and ask yourself, become self-aware, become aware of what’s going on in your mind, become aware of why you’re getting angry. Too often, we just get angry and we don’t know why. It’s like this person’s disagreeing with me, and I’m getting angry, or this person is just being dumb, and I’m getting angry. No, no. Let’s become more self-aware. That’s what a child does. That’s low emotional intelligence.
We need to rise above and make a difference, starting by becoming self-aware of our thoughts, rules, and violations. When we feel angry, we should ask ourselves, “What role has my partner violated here?” Are they aware of this rule, and have they consented to it? Often, we’ll find that they’re not aware or haven’t consented.
To become self-aware, we need to develop a high level of self-awareness, which is the key to success. We should focus not just on the symptoms of the problem, but also on the underlying cause and how to address it effectively.
In the “Win Your Wife Back” program, we work on this level of self-awareness to help individuals understand the root cause of their relationship problems and find long-term solutions. If you’re interested in learning more, check out the link in the description. If not, that’s okay too. I hope this message helps someone. I love you all and will see you soon.