Let’s start by saying that showing love through disagreements is key to How to Show My Wife I Love Her.
Having disagreements with your wife is always going to be there, and there have been studies that show that successful marriages are not without disagreement and frustration. The secret is to find a way to navigate through them and deal with them.
I want to give you a framework on how to deal with disagreements in this video that will allow you to be in a conversation with your wife and a relationship that allows you to disagree, not see eye to eye, and have opposing points of view, yet still come back together in a loving way. It will allow you to have intimate communication, relationships, and be happy together, even though you completely disagree with each other’s point of view.
So, how do we do this? Well, as always, we need to understand the real cause of the problem before we can come up with a solution. The real cause of disagreement is that we have been given an agreement/disagreement framework as a way of communication. We either like or dislike, it’s black or white, Christian or Muslim, gay or straight, man or woman, up or down, day or night. It’s an agreement framework.
The disagreement framework is absolutely flawed, and as long as we’re in this agreement-disagreement framework, one person has to bend to the other person. There’s a winner and a loser, and it’s a win-lose situation. So the way out of this is that we need a better framework to have a conversation. We need a better framework to approach every aspect of life that can allow us to benefit, grow, and be understanding, accepting, and tolerant of other people with other views, to where we can pull from what they’re doing. We can be in their presence, we can be around them, and we can absolutely disagree with their point of view, and it doesn’t matter at all because we want to move into a framework where we’re looking for how we can benefit from this point of view, how can we benefit from this other person’s point of view, and the first thing that we need to do here is to really enlarge our sense of self-awareness. This is the key to everything. Everything you want exists outside of your current sense of self-awareness. When we can expand our sense of consciousness or we can expand our view of the world and we can become bigger, then we can hold a bigger viewpoint and we can have a more mature, more consistent way of communicating.
Let me give you an example.
Donald Trump and Joe Biden, right? Very divisive, and there’s almost no middle ground there. People either think that Donald Trump is God, or they think he’s Satan. People think that Joe Biden is absolutely amazing and the savior because he saved us from Donald Trump, or they think that he’s Satan. And there is very little middle ground. Now, the problem here is that Donald Trump is not all good and he’s not all bad, but the view that people hold in this agreement-disagreement framework is either you agree that Donald Trump is good or bad, you like Donald Trump or dislike him, agree or disagree. If somebody likes Donald Trump, then that makes them completely disagreeable to this group over here, and vice versa. Somebody that dislikes Donald Trump makes them completely disagreeable to this group, and there can be no interaction. There can be no communication. There’s only breakdown. There’s only destruction.
The same is true on the other side. Views are very strongly held, but here’s the reality of the situation: Donald Trump is not all good and Donald Trump is not all bad. He did some stuff that was probably not great during his presidency, and he did some stuff that was also probably quite good. It wasn’t that everything he did was bad, or everything he did was good, but this is the viewpoint that’s held. The same with Joe Biden. It doesn’t matter whether you like him or not. To say that he’s all good or to say that he’s all bad is absurd. He’s neither. He’s neither good nor bad, and again, as with Donald Trump, there are some things that he does that are going to be good for America for you, and there are going to be some things that he does that are very bad. The reality is that we’re neither all good nor bad.
We’re somewhere in between, but the like-dislike framework, the agreement-disagreement framework means that if you don’t agree with me that Donald Trump is great, or you don’t agree with me that Donald Trump is bad, I can’t talk to you. I can’t be with you. I can’t be around you. You are wrong, I am right, and we’ve got the Hegelian dialectic, right? We’ve separated, and these two parties are now at war with each other. They cannot communicate.
But if we can change our viewpoint and our perspective from “Is Donald Trump good or is he bad?” and the same with Joe Biden, “Is he good or is he bad?” to “What can I learn from Donald Trump? What can I learn from him?” Even if you hate him, you can ask yourself, “What can I learn from this man? How can I learn what not to do? How can I learn about how not to communicate or alienate people?” There’s a lot you can learn from Donald Trump, whether you like him or not. That is the reality of the situation, and the same is true on the other side. Whether you love or hate Biden, if you can approach it from a point of view of, “This is outside of the agreement or disagreement. I like or dislike Biden,” and approach it from a “what can I get out of this” or “what can I learn from this person’s point of view” framework, then we can learn from the conversation, grow, benefit, and become bigger as human beings without having to agree or disagree, like or dislike.
Hopefully, you can see that it is possible to have a very productive, healthy, and adult conversation around a highly flammable and dangerous topic where we know there is disagreement or dislike, yet we leave the conversation in a way that benefits us and ultimately benefits the other person, too.
So, if we can take the same principle and apply it to our marriage and communication with our spouse, it’s not from an agreement or disagreement framework; it’s from a “what can I learn out of this” framework. How can I understand your point of view? What can I learn from what you’re saying? I’m not here to agree or disagree with you; I’m here to learn what’s productive and how to take it out of this conversation and apply it to my life. The agreement or disagreement disappears. The like or dislike disappears, and the conflict starts to disappear. It’s a much better, healthier way to have a conversation. So, that’s it from me. I hope you got something out of this, and I’ll talk to you very soon.
