Better Marriage

How to keep sex alive in a marriage

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Why did the sex stop in your relationship and how can you bring it back?

Hey, Cody Butler here, relationship coach and founder of Better Marriage. Today, I want to discuss **how to keep sex alive in a marriage** and share some simple steps to bring back the intimacy. Before we proceed, this conversation is intended for adults only. If there are children present, I suggest you pause this and come back later. Also, stay until the end, as I’ll provide information on how to access our free workshop on improving sexual satisfaction, communication, and resolving conflicts for good. So, stick around for that.

The topic of this video is how to revive the sexual aspect of your relationship. It’s a common issue, and in fact, the leading cause of divorce is often related to sexual problems. Sex is not a trivial matter, and when it diminishes or ceases entirely, it signals significant issues. The frequency of sex in a relationship serves as an indicator of its overall health. If you’re experiencing a complete absence of sex or only engaging every few months, it’s a clear sign of trouble. On the other hand, having sex two to four times a week indicates a very healthy relationship. Therefore, it can be a useful gauge to assess the state of your relationship.

Now, let’s delve into what typically happens in most relationships. It’s actually quite simple once you understand it, but many people fail to recognize it initially. When the frequency of sex decreases, it’s because some other behavior within the relationship has changed. Sex doesn’t just dwindle for no reason—it’s a cause-and-effect scenario. If there was a lot of sex happening previously, something triggered that, and if there’s a lack of sex now, something is causing it as well. To solve this problem, we need to do a bit of detective work.

The question to ask yourself is: What was happening when the sex was abundant and satisfying for me, and what has changed since then? In nine out of ten cases, the abundance of sex was mainly present at the beginning of the relationship, and the dynamics were very different compared to the current situation. When we meet someone and become infatuated, our behavior is geared towards pleasing them and making them happy. However, as time goes on, say two, three, or ten years into a marriage, our desire to please our partner.

Has reduced considerably at this point.

Now we’ve got to look at something too called reciprocation and the principle of reciprocation. Now, in the beginning of a relationship, we’re doing a real sales job, right? We’re really selling ourselves to our partner, trying to convince them that they should be with us and that we’re a good bet. We give a lot during this phase, without expecting much in return. What this does is activate the principle of reciprocation.

A great way to understand this is if someone has ever taken you out and bought you coffee. You feel the need to return the favor by buying them a coffee as well. The relationship doesn’t feel complete until that happens. To some extent, this is what’s going on in the beginning of a relationship. You give and give to show the other person that you’re the right fit for them and to impress them. They then reciprocate by trying to impress you.

This reciprocal giving and impressing creates an environment where both parties’ needs are met. Communication flows freely, and both parties feel heard, listened to, and understood. This environment sets the stage for a healthy sexual dynamic.

Fast forward a year, two years, five years, and complacency starts to set in. One or both parties no longer feel the need to continuously impress each other or sell the idea of their compatibility. Complacency takes over. 

But in the beginning, when the relationship wasn’t established or stable, there was no room for complacency.

To revive the initial behavior and reignite the passion, ask yourself, “What do I need to do to impress this person? What do I need to do to meet their needs? What does this person need to see from me to realize that I am the right person for them?” Start asking those questions and behave as you did in the beginning. The behavior you exhibited at the start of the relationship will start to resurface, and that’s where the passion and intimacy were most prominent.

The second tip is to revisit the activities that were part of the early stages of your relationship. We initially come together based on common interests, shared activities, and hobbies. However, as time passes, life changes, and responsibilities pile up, we tend to neglect the things that made us fall in love in the first place. This is a fatal mistake.

Because, again, when we stop doing the things that were causing certain results and certain behaviors in the relationship, in the beginning, when we stopped doing those, the relationship changes and the behavior within the relationship changes. 

So, if you can start to reinstitute some of the behaviors that were going on, some of the activities that were going on, some of the environments that were present at the beginning of the relationship, for example, if you traveled together a lot or met while traveling, that would be a great example. Getting some travel back into your relationship is going to rekindle those fires and bring about those emotions and experiences where intimacy can truly grow. This is really important.

Now, the third and final tip that I have for you is to understand that sex is an outgrowth of intimate communication, particularly and especially for a woman. If there is no intimate communication, if there is no deep communication, that connection is not going to be there, and the woman is not going to want to have intimate experiences physically. 

She simply isn’t. A woman has to feel heard, understood, loved, cherished, and emotionally connected before she is open to having sex, even with her husband. So, it is absolutely critical that there are open communication channels, and the key to that is creating a safe space, a safe environment for conversation and communication to take place.

Now, a lot of times, what happens as relationships progress is that the safety of communication leaves. When one party brings something up that the other person doesn’t like, then a fight starts or there are unpleasant consequences. As a result, the communication just stops. 

There’s a lot of suppression of emotions and feelings that ordinarily and previously would have been talked about, but they’re no longer discussed because the space is no longer safe. Person A knows that if they bring up a topic, it’s going to cause a fight. So, as a result, they just don’t bring that topic up. 

They suppress it, which causes resentment. And then there’s no conversation, or the conversation becomes very superficial, limited to safe topics. This superficial conversation leads to the suppression of emotions, intimacy, and effective communication. Consequently, sex becomes literally non-existent.

The real key to addressing these issues is communication and learning how to have open and safe dialogue. It’s essential to do this in a structured way that allows both parties to be heard, understood, and communicate effectively. There are ways to achieve this, which I share in our free workshop on how to stop the fighting, have better communication, and increase intimacy. You can find the link in the description below. I provide detailed information on the problems related to a lack of sex and offer solutions in that workshop. It’s a great resource.

If you found this video helpful and the content useful, please help us reach more people by hitting the subscribe button, liking the video, and leaving a comment below. Your support really helps the algorithm and enables us to disseminate this content widely. That’s it for me right now. Bless you all.

Win Your Wife Back In As Little As 8-Weeks

Discover How To Win Your Wife Back, Even If She Wants Out

Schedule A Free 60 Minute Zoom Session To Learn How We Can Help You Win Your Wife Back

Click Here To Schedule Now

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