How Do You Keep a Relationship Going: Essential Tips for Long-Term Success
In order to understand how to fix your marriage, you have to understand where it’s going wrong. To understand where it’s going wrong, we have to go back to the very beginning of the relationship and understand what it was that our wife said yes to, why she chose us, and ultimately what has changed to make her now look at us as not being such a great option anymore and wanting out of the relationship.
If we go back to the very beginning of the relationship, there were really only two reasons why our wife said yes to us, why she chose to spend the rest of her life or commit to spending the rest of our life with us. First, because she loved the way you made her feel, how you felt around her, and second, because she saw and believed that a future with you was significantly better than a future without you and that you were the best option for a future. Everything else falls into one of those two buckets. There are subsets of those two buckets.
If we fast forward 10, 15, or 20 years, the marriage is falling apart, the marriage is struggling because this was what has shifted fundamentally. This is what has changed. If she’s saying no to the relationship, no to the marriage, no to you at this point in time, it’s because those two things are the exact opposite now. She does not like the way you make her feel. She does not like the way that she feels around you. Now, this could be she doesn’t feel heard, she doesn’t feel loved, she doesn’t feel validated, she doesn’t feel appreciated, she doesn’t feel understood, or it could be more nefarious than that. Maybe she doesn’t like the way you feel because of the way you talk to her. Maybe you’re talking down to her. She feels talked down to, something like that. But regardless of what it is, she does not like the way that you make her feel right now.
The second part of this equation is that she sees or is starting to believe that a future without you is going to be better than a future with you. If we look at that, then this is a really, really big decision for her. We tend to minimize the decision that our wives are making, like she’s just making these decisions flippantly or she doesn’t care or she hasn’t thought this through. That’s an erroneous assumption. She has thought this through, and she knows that leaving is a very, very difficult thing.
We have to understand that because when we do, we can understand how much we’re actually falling short in these areas. As painful as that is to start with, understanding how we’re falling short and how much we’re falling short is really going to allow us to make the difference. If she’s leaving right now, it’s because she doesn’t like the way that you’re making her feel anymore, and the second part is she sees that a future without you is better than the future with you.
Now, if there are children involved and their finances are involved, there’s retirement portfolios, and stuff like that. This is a big decision. She knows she’s doing damage to her children, herself, finances, and reputation. She knows she’s going to have to go back into the dating scene. She’s not oblivious to this stuff; she’s not just acting like someone who hasn’t thought this through. She has thought this through, but the reality of the situation is that she’s choosing that over staying with you. So, we’ve got to be honest and accept that.
I’ve given my wife two choices here. I’ve given the choice of a shitty life with me or a shitty life without me, and she’s choosing the shitty life without me. When we understand that, it’s a great thing, a day of awareness and awakening. We can see what’s going on and stop blaming our wives. Instead, we need to ask ourselves what’s going on here? How am I making my wife feel? We’ve worked with hundreds of men in the When Your Wife Program, and when we’re honest about that, we ask them to reevaluate the last ten interactions they’ve had with their wife. How did they make her feel? The answer is always not very good, bad, negative, and that they left her in a bad place feeling worse than when the conversation started.
If your relationship is failing, I guarantee with a high level of probability that’s what’s going on in your relationship. She just does not like the way she feels around you, and she doesn’t see a future with you as a very bright or positive thing. As men, we start out very driven and ambitious with big goals to kick. The thing is, we kick them, we get them, we build the business, we get the income, we get the investment properties, we build the portfolio, we get the security, we got the status symbols, the nice car, the nice clothes, the nice watches, and all that kind of stuff. Then, we just sit down, open up a bag of chips, crack open a beer, and sit on the couch, thinking we’re good, bro. We’ve got our security, our business, we’re pretty happy where we are, pretty content where we are. We’ve kicked our goals, and our ambition starts to wane; our drive disappears, our motivation disappears, and we transition into a man that’s very comfortable.
A man that is very driven, confident, and ambitious, which is highly attractive, is what your woman, your wife, is attaching herself to. She’s going, “This man is driven, he’s going somewhere, he’s doing something, and I want to go along for the ride.” An advancing man is very attractive; everybody is drawn and attracted to him. The problem is that we get to a point quite often where we get comfortable and think, “I’ve kicked my goals, I’ve got the security, the house, the kids, everything I want.” We just stop and chill out, but that’s not enough. That’s enough for us, but we tend to look at it and go, “I’ve provided you with security, a nice house, whatever it is.” We feel like we’re doing a great job, and we can’t understand why our woman is not satisfied or happy.
The reason is that she’s not seeing a place in that life for herself anymore. There’s no vision for her; there’s no room for her. Quite often, I’ll ask the men we work with, “What’s your goal? What do you want out of life?
I just want to be happy, and it’s like, okay, well, let’s unpack that for a second. I mean, I want to be happy, but where does your wife fit into that vision? Where does your wife fit into that life? What’s her role in that? Is she just going to serve you and make you dinner, make your bed, clean your clothes, and be your concubine? Is that her role? Is that all that you’re presenting for her? And quite often, that is the sole direction and vision that a man has for his life. ‘Life at this point, I just want to be happy’ or ‘I would be happy with being happy.’ Well, that’s great for you, but that does not involve your wife, and your wife can see no room for her in the relationship. That’s how she’s seeing it. There’s no room for me in this relationship, and I’m not happy with that. I’m not happy with simply being at all in his happiness. I need my own happiness. I need my own vision. I need my own life.’
So, you put these two things together – she doesn’t feel great around you, she doesn’t like the way that you’re making her feel anymore, and she’s looking at there’s no direction, there’s no focus, there’s no motivation, there’s no vision for her to move forward. There’s nothing that she can buy into at this point. Now she starts looking elsewhere and going, ‘Okay, well, I don’t like how he feels, and to be honest with you, my best chance at a meaningful life for me is outside of this guy.’ And that’s when she starts to look outside of the relationship for her satisfaction, for her happiness.
When this happens, quite often, the man starts to blame. This man starts to dig. The man starts to have goes and say, ‘Well, why, you know, my wife’s causing the problems. My wife’s stonewalling me. My wife’s not satisfied. She’s the one that wants this.’ And start blaming the woman. And this just creates more and more tension because she knows what’s going on. She knows that she’s not the one causing the problems. She knows that she’s the one that hasn’t lost the vision. She knows she’s not the one that’s changed her communication style necessarily yet. She’s getting slammed over here, and she’s getting blamed for all of these things. And this just turns into a spiraling downward mess to the point where the relationship just fails.
So, there is a way out of this. There is a way back, regardless of how bad it is. It’s simply understanding what has to happen to emotionally impact your wife in a way that she can see a better future, that she can understand she loves the way she feels around you again. And we can show you how to do that. So, if you’re interested in learning more about that, there’s a link in the description. Check it out and schedule a call with us. We have our ‘Win Your Wife Back’ program. We’ll teach you all of this stuff. Check that out if you’re interested. If you’re not interested in that, awesome! We’ve got loads and loads of other videos on this channel that are going to be around here somewhere like that, that can help you turn your relationship around, win your wife back. I hope you watch some of them. I hope you enjoy them, and I hope it makes a difference in your life. God bless you, and I’ll talk to you soon.
