So, what are some of the turning points in saving your marriage and seeing it restored and reconciled?
Hey, Cody Butler here, relationship coach, consultant, and founder of Better Marriage. If this is your first time here, I help men win their wives back in eight weeks or less, even if you’re the only one trying. Even if she said she wants a divorce, she’s moved out, or she’s with another man, you can turn it around. In this journey, understanding how do you build trust after an affair is crucial. You can win her back, and I want to share some of the strategies to do that in these videos.
Steps for Rebuilding Trust After an Affair: How Do You Build Trust After an Affair?
So, what are some of the turning points in a marriage? How do you know if your marriage has a very good chance of being saved or not? Well, there are really two that I look for. I’ve worked with thousands of men now and seen literally thousands of marriages restored, and these two characteristics have to be present. If they are, there’s a very good chance, and those two characteristics are humility and coachability.
If you can be humble and coachable, then you can save your marriage. Because let’s be honest, the fact is that the intelligence that has created the situation you’re in is not the intelligent that is going to solve the problem. The relationship skills that have created the issues within the marriage are the skills that are not there to turn the situation around, or you would have turned it around.
That’s just the way it goes, right? The same intelligence that created the problem cannot solve the problem. So it really comes down to humility. Is the person trying to save their marriage willing to humble themselves and say, “I really don’t know what I’m doing here. I really don’t know how to save this marriage. I’ve done my best, and the results are not great. I’m willing to reach out for help.”
And the second part of that coin is coachability. Are you willing to be coached? Now, I’ve come across a lot of men who have the humility to acknowledge that they don’t have the skills to save the marriage, restore the marriage, or maintain the marriage when they get it back. But at the same time, they’re not coachable. They’re not willing to take advice, and they’re not willing to do things a different way.
Doing things the same way and expecting a different outcome is the absolute definition of insanity, as Einstein said. And some of the phrases that I hear that are real telltale signs of whether a marriage is going to turn around or not are phrases like “I’m doing that already,” “I know that,” or “I’ve done that.” These are phrases that indicate that there really isn’t coachability there.
Because the reality of the situation is that human beings are very predictable creatures. Your wife is a woman, and all women fundamentally operate the same way. They all fundamentally have the same needs, and they all fundamentally respond the same way to conditioned stimulus. As men, we do the same.
We fundamentally all have the same needs. We have a need for sex. That is a fundamental need that men have. All men have the need for sex. In the same way, women have the need for communication. If a man is saying that he does not want sex with his wife, or a man is saying he does not want sex with the woman he’s with, it’s an indication of a very deep problem in that relationship. And the same is true if a woman is saying, “I don’t want communication.” It’s an indication of a very deep problem.
The reality is that when a woman says, “I don’t want communication,” the underlying cause is going to be the same for all women. It’s going to be a lack of emotional safety and security, and all kinds of issues that arise from that. The actual emotion is exactly the same. Obviously, the route to that emotional dysfunction is going to be different. Maybe there’s a lack of emotional security because of an affair, or perhaps there’s a lack of emotional security because of a tendency to get aggressive or loud and cause problems. Regardless of the route, the core underlying emotion doesn’t really matter; it’s the core emotion itself that needs to be addressed.
Everyone may say, “You don’t understand my situation, you don’t know what I’m going through.” And that may be true, but the truth is, when a woman is moving away from a relationship, there’s only a handful of reasons why she’s doing that. Emotional statuses have been violated, emotional boundaries have been violated, or emotional conditions are not being met. How those violations took place or how those emotional conditions were not met or violated is beside the point. We need to address what those violations are and what those emotional conditions are, and they are going to be the same for all women.
Having the understanding and humility to admit that one doesn’t know how they arrived at this point or what they’re doing in their relationship is essential. Arriving at the point of saying, “I’m coachable, I’m willing to sacrifice my own beliefs about what works, and I’m willing to lay my own ideas about relationships and marriage down and move into a belief system that is proven effective,” is crucial. It’s also important to forego phrases such as “I know that I’ve done that” or “I’ve already tried that, and it hasn’t worked.” These phrases will keep one stuck and moving in the wrong direction, with no upside to being wrong.
If one goes the other way and says, “I don’t know that, but I’m going to try this because I’m going to assume that there are established emotional safety and security issues that need to be addressed,” there’s absolutely no downside to that. One can only win if they combat it from a position of humility and coachability. This is the turning point in a marriage, and it’s when one takes full responsibility and drives the marriage forward from that point. There’s a link in the description for a “Win Your Wife Back” program, which can help one turn their marriage around in eight weeks or less, even if she’s checked out, not interested, and telling you that she wants a divorce. It doesn’t matter where she is right now; you can turn the relationship around.
If you want more help with that, there’s more information in the link, which is completely free and doesn’t even require an email address. If you like this content and want more of it, click the subscribe button, hit the notification bell, and leave a comment. It really helps with the algorithm to get the word out. I release these videos every week, at least I’m trying to, to give information on how to turn your marriage around, how to save your relationship, even if your wife has checked out, isn’t interested, and telling you that she’s not going to work on it. Regardless, you can turn it around, and I want to share that information with you in these videos. God bless you, and I’ll talk to you soon.